Nancy Mace Begs Men to Stop Sending Dick Pics, Congress Finally Finds Bipartisan Issue

Rep. Nancy Mace called for bipartisan support to stop men from both parties sending her explicit images, labeling the practice as “nasty” and “gross.” A historic joint resolution, dubbed the KEEP YOUR JUNK OUT OF THE CONGRESSWOMAN’S INBOX ACT OF 2026, passed quickly. Congress has united on this surprising issue despite broader political divides. Continue reading Nancy Mace Begs Men to Stop Sending Dick Pics, Congress Finally Finds Bipartisan Issue

Logan Airport Mistakes Elizabeth Warren for Elton John, Immediately Announces Surprise Farewell Tour

At a Massachusetts airport, confusion arose when staff mistook Senator Elizabeth Warren for Elton John. Despite Warren’s attempts to clarify her identity, passengers requested autographs and songs. The mix-up ended after officials recognized their error. Ultimately, Warren boarded her flight, while Elton John was humorously informed of the incident. Continue reading Logan Airport Mistakes Elizabeth Warren for Elton John, Immediately Announces Surprise Farewell Tour

Bernie Sanders Announces Latest Apocalypse After Previous Apocalypses Inconveniently Fail to Finish the Job

Senator Bernie Sanders recently highlighted the dangers of artificial intelligence, claiming it may pose greater threats to humanity than nuclear weapons. He has a history of issuing urgent warnings about existential risks. Sanders now advocates for a pause in advanced AI development and a ban on superintelligent systems, continuing his pattern of alarm over potential catastrophes. Continue reading Bernie Sanders Announces Latest Apocalypse After Previous Apocalypses Inconveniently Fail to Finish the Job

Founding Fathers Sign Four-Page Constitution, Horrify Future Government Employees

On September 17, 1787, delegates signed the U.S. Constitution, creating a federal government without modern consulting practices. The document divided power among three branches and prompted concerns about government overreach, leading to the Bill of Rights. Today, the vast bureaucracy contrasts sharply with the concise four-page framework established by the Founders. Continue reading Founding Fathers Sign Four-Page Constitution, Horrify Future Government Employees

Democrats Unveil Bold New Counterterrorism Strategy: Asking Iran to Please Stop Being Mean

Congress votes to rein in Trump’s Iran war powers, and the Canton Cat imagines Washington’s backup strategy: fruit baskets, validating language and hoping Tehran just needs a hug. Continue reading Democrats Unveil Bold New Counterterrorism Strategy: Asking Iran to Please Stop Being Mean

Mitch McConnell Missing From Senate for Three Months, Capitol Staff Finally Check Behind the Curtains

Sen. Mitch McConnell’s three-month absence from the Senate due to health recovery has sparked concerns about transparency and his fitness to serve. Critics question the practice of receiving salary without attendance, leading to proposed reforms like mandatory wellness checks. Meanwhile, McConnell’s office insists he’s engaged remotely, raising further questions about the Senate’s operational necessity. Continue reading Mitch McConnell Missing From Senate for Three Months, Capitol Staff Finally Check Behind the Curtains

Chris Van Hollen Demands Clear Crypto Rules, Blocks Bill Called the CLARITY Act

Sen. Chris Van Hollen criticized the crypto industry for operating without clear regulations while simultaneously blocking the CLARITY Act, which aimed to establish such rules. This paradox highlights a common governmental pattern: decrying regulatory gaps yet impeding progress, leaving crypto firms in confusion over future regulations. Continue reading Chris Van Hollen Demands Clear Crypto Rules, Blocks Bill Called the CLARITY Act

Blueberry Fruit Roll-Up Rolls Down to the Canal to Film TikTok About Calling Congress Before ICE Calls You

April McClain Delaney rolls up to the canal in electric blue to film a “Know Your Rights” video, while the Canton Cat wonders whether Congress plans to fix immigration law before the next TikTok. Continue reading Blueberry Fruit Roll-Up Rolls Down to the Canal to Film TikTok About Calling Congress Before ICE Calls You

Lord Dark Helmet Elfreth Vows to Seize MD-3, Leaving Only Lando Flowers Standing Between Maryland and the Dark Side

Congresswoman Sarah Elfreth, celebrating her 38th birthday, humorously transformed into “Lord Dark Helmet,” asserting control over Maryland’s 3rd Congressional District. Republican opponent Lando Flowers, styled as Lando Calrissian, challenged her authority. The race is characterized by absurd political theatrics as both candidates aim to engage voters amidst humorous crossover references. Continue reading Lord Dark Helmet Elfreth Vows to Seize MD-3, Leaving Only Lando Flowers Standing Between Maryland and the Dark Side

Jamie Raskin Calls Supreme Court “Illegitimate,” Demands Democrats Be Allowed to Make It Illegitimate Correctly

Rep. Jamie Raskin criticized the Supreme Court as “illegitimate” due to its conservative majority and proposed adding four justices to restore legitimacy. His argument implies that institutions are only corrupt when they lack Democratic control. The commentary highlights Raskin’s perceived hypocrisy and the absurdity of politicizing judicial reform for partisan gain. Continue reading Jamie Raskin Calls Supreme Court “Illegitimate,” Demands Democrats Be Allowed to Make It Illegitimate Correctly