WASHINGTON — House Democrats voted again to rein in President Trump’s Iran war powers Tuesday, apparently confident that the Islamic Republic might finally reconsider decades of hostility if America just lowers its voice and uses more validating language.

The House passed the resolution 220–204, with all Democrats and seven Republicans voting yes. The measure directs the administration to remove U.S. forces from hostilities with Iran, while the conflict has already cost roughly $38 billion, according to the Congressional Budget Office.

Rep. April McClain Delaney celebrated her vote by accusing Trump of breaking promises to avoid “endless foreign wars.”

The Canton Cat reviewed the statement and immediately began searching congressional archives for the newly adopted doctrine:

“Have We Tried Being Super Nice to Tehran?”

Under the plan, America would reportedly replace aircraft carriers with a strongly worded edible arrangement.

Iranian-backed militants launch missiles?

Send a fruit basket.

Threats against Americans?

Maybe they’re having a hard week.

“Death to America”?

Have we considered that this may simply be their love language?

One imaginary Democratic strategist explained:

“Terrorism is really just unresolved trauma with rockets.”

The Canton Cat coughed up a hairball.

America has, of course, spent decades debating how aggressively to confront Iran, and critics of the current war point to its cost, duration, lack of congressional authorization, and strain on U.S. missile stocks. Supporters of continued military pressure argue that Iran remains a serious security threat and that withdrawing prematurely could leave U.S. forces and allies more vulnerable.

But nuance is illegal in Washington, so naturally everyone has selected one of two positions:

Bomb everything forever.

or

Perhaps the ayatollah just needs a hug.

Congressional staffers reportedly began drafting the next phase of diplomacy:

STEP 1: Bring troops home.
STEP 2: Tell Iran we respect its boundaries.
STEP 3: Hope nobody remembers what “asymmetric warfare” means.
STEP 4: Schedule hearing after something explodes.

At press time, the Canton Cat remained supportive of peace but skeptical of any foreign-policy doctrine built around the assumption that hostile regimes become less hostile when America closes its eyes.

“I tried that with a pit bull once,” the cat said.

“I now have three legs.”