NEW YORK — Markets plunged Tuesday after Sydney Sweeney appeared in public wearing a turtleneck, triggering the sharpest collapse in consumer confidence since someone put raisins in potato salad.

Economists had initially expected a soft landing.

Then the sweater happened.

Within minutes, retail spending cratered, sports-bar traffic dried up, and several publicly traded companies announced emergency layoffs in departments labeled:

“Men Pretending They Care About Advertising Ethics.”

The crisis began after Sweeney reportedly attempted to calm outrage over a sports ad by appearing in a modest, high-neck sweater that concealed approximately 94% more of America’s GDP than investors were prepared for.

One Wall Street analyst stared at the television and whispered:

“My God. She’s covered.”

The Dow fell 900 points.

The Nasdaq fell 1,400.

Hooters called an emergency board meeting.

Dick’s Sporting Goods quietly removed the word “Sporting.”

The Canton Cat watched the carnage from beneath a dumpster and immediately understood the macroeconomic implications.

“You cannot remove that much consumer stimulus overnight.”

The Federal Reserve reportedly convened an emergency session to determine whether interest-rate cuts could compensate for the sudden disappearance of cleavage from the national economy.

They could not.

Fed officials instead unveiled a new emergency lending facility called:

TARP: Turtleneck Asset Relief Program.

Under the plan, qualified Americans may receive up to $1,200 to spend on beer, chicken wings and whatever magazine still has a swimsuit issue.

Consumer sentiment fell even further after Sweeney buttoned a coat over the turtleneck.

That move was described by economists as:

“Basically a depression.”

Restaurants began boarding up windows.

Sportsbooks stopped taking bets.

Several men wandered aimlessly through Best Buy asking employees:

“Do you still sell televisions if there’s nothing to watch?”

Political leaders urged calm.

Treasury officials insisted the fundamentals remained strong, while acknowledging that the nation had become dangerously dependent on one blonde actress wearing clothing that required fewer yards of fabric.

Congress immediately announced bipartisan hearings titled:

“How Did We Allow One Sweater to Destroy the American Economy?”

At press time, markets briefly recovered after paparazzi photographs showed Sweeney removing the coat.

The Canton Cat upgraded the economy from “catastrophic” to “horny but stable.”