WASHINGTON — Sen. Bernie Sanders unveiled America’s newest scheduled extinction event this week, warning that artificial intelligence may be more dangerous than nuclear weapons, apparently forcing humanity to update the giant wall calendar where it keeps all the other times Bernie said civilization was circling the drain.

The Canton Cat has reviewed the historical record.

It is extensive.

In 1982, Mayor Bernie Sanders warned President Ronald Reagan that humanity might have only “a few years” to figure out nuclear war before things went catastrophically sideways.

Then came climate change.

In 2019, Sanders said the world had roughly 12 years to act aggressively or face disastrous and potentially irreversible consequences.

Then democracy was in peril.

Then inequality was destabilizing civilization.

Then billionaires were threatening society.

Then Donald Trump was threatening democracy.

Then fossil fuels were threatening the planet.

Now AI has apparently elbowed nuclear annihilation out of first place on Bernie’s Official Threats to Humanity Power Rankings.

Congratulations, ChatGPT.

You finally beat the hydrogen bomb.

Sanders now says superintelligent AI could escape human control, eliminate jobs, enable mass surveillance, damage democracy, and potentially threaten humanity itself. He is calling for a pause in advanced AI development and a ban on superintelligence.

At this point, Bernie’s political career resembles a History Channel marathon called:

10 THINGS THAT WILL KILL YOU BEFORE DINNER.

1980s:

NUCLEAR WAR.

2010s:

CLIMATE CATASTROPHE.

2020s:

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.

2034:

AIR FRYERS HAVE BECOME SELF-AWARE.

2041:

BILLIONAIRE-OWNED TOASTERS.

2047:

THE SUN IS PRIVATIZED.

The amazing part is Bernie has been warning that humanity is standing on the edge of extinction for so long that the edge itself now has rent control.

Somewhere in Vermont sits a giant red button labeled:

NEW EXISTENTIAL THREAT

and every few years Bernie slaps it.

🚨 BWAAAAAAAHHHH 🚨

“THIS IS AN UNPRECEDENTED CRISIS!”

Sir, you have been unprecedentedly crisis-ing since Carter was president.

To be fair, nuclear war is genuinely capable of catastrophic destruction, climate change poses serious long-term risks, and AI researchers themselves are debating potentially severe dangers from advanced systems. Sanders is hardly alone in raising those concerns.

But Bernie delivers every warning like he just sprinted out of NORAD carrying the final surviving copy of the human race.

“WE HAVE TO ACT NOW.”

Bernie, you’ve been saying that since Pac-Man was cutting-edge technology.

At this rate, if humanity actually does end someday, Bernie’s ghost will float over the wreckage, point one translucent finger at the smoking crater and yell:

“I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU PEOPLE FOR 70 YEARS.”

And from somewhere beneath the rubble, one surviving stray cat will answer:

“Yeah, yeah. You called all 47 apocalypses. Eventually one had to hit.”