Chris Van Hollen and Jamie Raskin head to California to teach socialists how redistribution works and, in The Canton Cat’s completely fictional account, accidentally steal 34,000 cans of the working man’s beer. The proletariat is not amused. Continue reading Chris Van Hollen and Jamie Raskin Allegedly Discover Socialism’s Final Boss: Stealing the Poor Man’s Beer
Abdul El-Sayed wanted a heartfelt campaign moment. The internet saw a nervous supporter reading notes while politicians hovered nearby and immediately started making hostage-video jokes. Somewhere, a consultant is asking for one more take. Continue reading Abdul El-Sayed Launches Senate Campaign’s First Hostage-Video Aesthetic, Staffers Asked to Blink Twice
The DNC interviewed nearly 10,000 people who voted in 2020 but stayed home in 2024. Canton Cat interviewed 37 humans, four raccoons and one confused delivery driver behind a Wawa—and somehow got to “everything costs too much” much faster. Continue reading DNC Talks to 10,000 Nonvoters, Canton Cat Talks to 37 People Behind a Wawa and Finds Democrats Have Bigger Problems
Marjorie Taylor Greene has apparently become MAGA’s Dog the Bounty Hunter, chasing Laura Loomer through another Republican civil war while the actual Democrat quietly enjoys the free advertising. Continue reading Marjorie Taylor Greene Becomes Dog the Bounty Hunter, Sets Out to Capture Laura Loomer Before MAGA Eats Itself Alive
Jamie Raskin survived a dangerous encounter with Iowa wind, a flapping television tent and several concerned staffers. The republic, somehow, remains intact. Continue reading Jamie Raskin Survives Wind Gust in Iowa, Vows to Defend Democracy Against Weather
Laura Loomer wants Mehdi Hasan denaturalized over a resurfaced plane-crash post. The Canton Cat checks whether citizenship now comes with a social-media terms-of-service agreement. Continue reading Laura Loomer Demands Mehdi Hasan Be Deported, Internet Responds With Completely Normal and Healthy Conversation
Dan Cox says Maryland’s police accountability boards resemble Soviet-style citizen councils. The Canton Cat checks the meeting agenda for Lenin, revolution and refreshments. Continue reading Dan Cox Discovers Montgomery County Has Soviets, Immediately Checks Under the Bed for Lenin
Baltimore residents asked for a revitalized Inner Harbor. The city delivered kayaks. The Canton Cat investigates whether Phase Two includes protected kayak lanes, floating bollards and boaters losing their minds. Continue reading Baltimore Asked for an Inner Harbor Comeback. The City Handed Everyone a Kayak.
Dawn Luedtke invited residents to a community meeting, handed them microphones, and discovered the dangerous side effect of public engagement: the public engaging. Continue reading Dawn Luedtke Holds Listening Session, Appears Stunned by the Discovery of Listening
Wes Moore is celebrating one debate with Dan Cox while other gubernatorial candidates remain offstage. The Canton Cat wonders whether courage comes with a two-podium limit. Continue reading Wes Moore Schedules One Debate, Declares Democracy Fully Serviced
