WASHINGTON — The United States Senate reportedly took a brief break from not fixing anything to throw a lavish birthday party for a dog on Capitol Hill, confirming once again that Congress will do literally anything except the thing directly in front of it.

Cake? Yes.

Photos? Yes.

Crowd of adults gathered around a stroller for a dog? Absolutely.

Voter ID?

Fetch later.

Canton Cat watched the footage from a storm drain and immediately understood the modern legislative process.

Step 1: Ignore election integrity.

Step 2: Assemble media.

Step 3: Celebrate Labrador democracy.

Step 4: Pretend this is normal.

The party reportedly featured all the expected elements of serious government business:

Staffers smiling awkwardly.

Phones out.

A dog receiving more ceremonial respect than most taxpayers.

And one senator pushing enough canine pageantry to make Westminster look underfunded.

Meanwhile somewhere in America, a citizen asked whether Congress might like to pass something useful.

Security escorted him away for lacking a party hat.

Canton Cat has no issue with dogs.

Some of my best enemies are dogs.

But when the Senate starts looking like a suburban pet boutique with appropriations power, it raises questions.

Important questions.

Questions like:

Why does a dog have a better social calendar than the average constituent?

Why is Capitol Hill now one champagne flute away from becoming a BarkBox influencer retreat?

And why do senators suddenly move with the speed of light when the agenda includes balloons, but transform into stone gargoyles when the topic is voter confidence?

Witnesses say the dog appeared calm, dignified and reasonably well-behaved.

So naturally he was the most qualified figure in the room.

At one point, aides reportedly gathered around the stroller like it contained a bipartisan breakthrough.

It did not.

It contained a dog.

Close enough for Washington.

The Senate later defended the event as a harmless celebration.

Correct.

That’s the problem.

Everything in Washington is harmless except Washington.

Canton Cat is now proposing a compromise.

Fine.

Keep the dog party.

But every senator attending must also complete one basic civic obstacle course:

Show ID.

Count to ten without consulting a staffer.

Locate the Constitution.

Name one thing more important than being photographed beside a dog in a stroller.

Any senator who fails gets neutered politically and sent to obedience school.

By the end of the day, the dog had cake, applause and more positive press than most legislation.

Voter ID still had nothing.

So congratulations to Capitol Hill.

The dog got his birthday.

The public got another reminder that the ruling class will happily throw a puppy gala in the middle of national dysfunction, then act confused when voters start growling.

As for me, I support equal treatment.

If Congress is going to behave like a kennel, I’d at least like a saucer of tuna and subpoena power.