WASHINGTON — Federal authorities have reopened one of America’s oldest cold cases after confirming the last verified sighting of national unity occurred on September 12, 2001.

Investigators say the missing condition was last seen flying American flags, donating blood, hugging strangers, thanking firefighters, and briefly remembering that the guy across the street was not actually Hitler because he voted differently.

Then it vanished.

“We have followed thousands of leads,” said one exhausted official. “Unfortunately, most turned out to be campaign slogans.”

Authorities have released an age-progressed sketch showing what national unity might look like today.

Experts warn younger Americans may not recognize it.

“It reportedly involved people disagreeing without immediately trying to get each other fired,” said one historian. “Frankly, that sounds made up.”

The FBI is asking the public to check attics, basements, VFW halls, old family photo albums, and anywhere else Americans may have stored obsolete concepts.

Possible sightings have repeatedly ended in disappointment.

A bipartisan handshake in 2008 turned out to be staged.

A congressional prayer breakfast lasted eleven minutes.

Several promising Fourth of July gatherings collapsed after someone mentioned the president.

The search briefly intensified during natural disasters, when Americans were observed rescuing neighbors regardless of party affiliation.

Unfortunately, unity disappeared again shortly after the Wi-Fi came back on.

The Canton Cat has reviewed the evidence and identified the primary suspect:

the internet.

Before social media, humans apparently had to walk all the way across the street to discover they hated each other.

Now an algorithm can accomplish that before breakfast.

Authorities say national unity may still be alive but hiding under an assumed name such as “basic decency,” “shared citizenship,” or “please shut up for five minutes.”

Anyone with information is urged to come forward.

Do not attempt to approach it too quickly.

After twenty-five years in hiding, it may be frightened by sudden exposure to Americans.

Officials remain hopeful.

“We found the Titanic,” one investigator said. “Surely we can find two people who disagree about taxes and still split a pizza.”

At press time, a possible sighting was reported at a neighborhood cookout.

The search was called off after somebody brought up immigration.

National unity remains missing.

If found, please return it to the United States.

No questions asked.