ANNAPOLIS — Maryland Gov. Wes Moore unveiled a sweeping new policy platform Wednesday centered around one simple, refreshingly honest message:

“I don’t give a fuck about anyone or anything except Wes Moore.”

The announcement immediately replaced approximately 97% of previous gubernatorial speeches.

“For years, Marylanders have wondered whether I care about taxes, affordability, schools, crime, traffic, small businesses, or people fleeing the state,” Moore reportedly said while adjusting the lighting for his next national television appearance.

“I hope today finally clears that up.”

According to the governor’s new IDGAF Agenda, all future state decisions will be evaluated using three simple questions:

• Does this make Wes Moore look presidential?
• Can Wes Moore get photographed doing it?
• Will somebody important invite Wes Moore somewhere afterward?

If the answer to all three is no, the issue will be transferred to Maryland’s Department of Nobody Gives a Shit.

State employees were reportedly relieved.

“Finally, we have measurable performance standards,” said one fictional Annapolis bureaucrat. “Previously we had to pretend everything was about Maryland.”

Moore also unveiled a new state motto:

“Maryland: Providing Background Scenery for Wes Moore Since 2023.”

The governor emphasized that ordinary residents remain an important part of his administration.

“Absolutely,” he said. “Someone has to stand behind me during press conferences.”

Asked about struggling families, Moore reportedly nodded thoughtfully before asking whether struggling families had considered becoming national political donors.

Asked about rising costs, he reminded reporters that photographs remain free.

Asked about Baltimore, he announced another task force.

Asked what the task force would accomplish, Moore stared silently until everyone felt embarrassed for asking.

Political observers called the announcement unusually transparent.

“For once, nobody has to decode the messaging,” said one analyst. “The governor has finally condensed his entire political brand into five letters:

IDGAF.”

By evening, aides were reportedly selling commemorative shirts bearing the slogan:

WES MOORE: BECAUSE WES MOORE DESERVES MORE WES MOORE.

The shirts cost $74.99.

Marylanders will be charged automatically.