WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats unveiled a bold new Supreme Court reform plan Tuesday calling for the Court to expand from nine justices to 64, allowing major constitutional questions to be settled through a single-elimination tournament.

“Democracy works best when nobody understands the bracket,” explained one Democratic strategist while drawing Chief Justice John Roberts as a No. 8 seed.

Under the proposal, officially titled the Judicial Fairness, Democracy, Equity, Representation, Inclusion, Legitimacy And Brackets Act, the Supreme Court would be divided into four regional conferences:

East: Originalists
West: Living Constitution people
South: People who begin every opinion with “As a matter of equity…”
Midwest: Judges nobody remembers confirming

Every major case would begin with 64 justices.

Round One would feature traditional 1-on-16 matchups.

By the Elite Eight, oral arguments would be shortened to 90 seconds and conducted courtside while “One Shining Moment” plays softly in the background.

The Final Four would take place annually inside Capital One Arena.

Instead of writing dissents, losing justices would simply shake hands at midcourt and blame the officiating.

Legal experts say the new system could finally solve America’s growing complaints about judicial legitimacy by ensuring that nobody has any idea what is happening.

The proposal also includes automatic tournament bids for:

• nine current Supreme Court justices
• twelve federal appellate judges
• seventeen law professors
• eight MSNBC contributors
• six people who once clerked somewhere
• eleven Democratic senators’ former roommates
• and one wild-card justice selected by an online fan vote

President Trump reportedly called the 64-justice tournament “the dumbest bracket in America,” prompting Democrats to accuse him of undermining judicial March Madness.

Republicans in Congress criticized the plan as blatant court packing.

Democrats rejected the accusations.

“This is not court packing,” said one sponsor.

“It’s court seeding.”

To prevent ideological manipulation, the 64 justices would be reseeded after every controversial ruling until Democrats receive the result experts agree is independent.

If a conservative justice makes an unexpected run to the championship, Congress may invoke the new Emergency Democracy Timeout, temporarily expanding the Court to 128.

The championship justice would receive lifetime tenure, a tiny wooden gavel, and the opportunity to cut down the net hanging over the Supreme Court bench.

Meanwhile, your Canton alley correspondent remains cautiously supportive of any judicial system that includes 64 robes, loose string, and an unattended concession stand.

Although frankly, if we’re deciding constitutional rights through March Madness, I’m picking Clarence Thomas over a No. 15 seed because that man has veteran tournament energy.

Final score: Constitution 68, Separation of Powers 64.