ANNAPOLIS — Maryland congressional candidate Berney Flowers, already known around certain political alleyways as the Barry White of politics, is reportedly preparing to release a campaign album designed to do what mailers, debates, and yard signs never could:

Make voters feel something.

The album, tentatively titled “Can’t Get Enough of Your Vote, Baby,” is expected to feature a collection of slow-jam campaign classics guaranteed to make hearts melt, knees weaken, and absentee ballots mysteriously appear beside scented candles.

Flowers’ campaign says the record will blend traditional soul with modern Maryland politics.

Early tracks reportedly include:

“Never, Never Gonna Give Up Your District”

“You’re the First, the Last, My Precinct”

“Practice What You Campaign”

“It’s Ecstasy When You Vote for Me”

And the dangerously seductive closing number:

“Let the Ballot Burn.”

Incumbent Sarah Elfreth’s campaign has reportedly responded with the traditional congressional strategy of issuing a statement containing the words “focused on delivering results for Maryland families” seventeen times.

Flowers, meanwhile, simply lowered his voice three octaves and said:

“Baby… you know you deserve representation.”

Three undecided voters immediately requested ballots.

Political consultants warn the album could fundamentally change campaign strategy.

“If Berney starts doing door-knocking with background saxophone, this race is over,” said one fictional strategist. “You cannot compete with a candidate who asks about infrastructure funding like he’s inviting you upstairs.”

The album’s deluxe edition reportedly includes a 12-minute track called:

“Appropriations After Dark.”

Another song, “Your Love Is My Constituent Service,” features Flowers whispering the phone number to his district office over a bass line so smooth the Federal Election Commission briefly considered regulating it as an in-kind aphrodisiac.

Campaign rallies may also be reworked into intimate candlelit events where attendees receive roses, voter-registration forms, and strict instructions not to make eye contact during the bridge.

Elfreth still holds the traditional advantages of incumbency.

Flowers has something else:

bass.

Lots and lots of bass.

As for this alley cat, I’ve reviewed the campaign strategy and reached one conclusion:

Forget kissing babies.

Berney Flowers is trying to slow-dance them all the way to Election Day. 🐾