STATE COLLEGE, Pa. — In a stunning development absolutely not contained in any actual court filing, every defendant in the alleged Penn State cocaine ring reportedly changed course Wednesday after watching coverage of the Lindsay Clancy case and discovering a brand-new legal strategy:

Postpartum psychosis.

There was only one minor obstacle.

None of them had recently given birth.

Defense attorneys reportedly asked everyone to stop focusing on “technicalities.”

“This is about mental health, justice, and our client having watched approximately six hours of Court TV,” explained one completely fictional lawyer.

The strategy allegedly began after suspect Agostino Abatiello — nicknamed “Pablo Pledgecobar” — leaned toward his attorney and whispered:

“Wait. You can plead insanity?”

Within minutes, the courthouse hallway reportedly resembled a medical-school graduation ceremony conducted entirely by Google.

One defendant claimed postpartum psychosis.

Another claimed prepartum psychosis.

A third reportedly invoked “fraternity-adjacent postpartum emotional distress with cocaine characteristics.”

The final defendant simply announced:

“I have whatever gets me home by dinner.”

Prosecutors reminded the defense that postpartum conditions generally involve, well, the postpartum period.

The defense reportedly countered that such rigid definitions were “deeply judgmental.”

Penn State immediately denied offering a minor in Postpartum Criminal Defense Studies, although administrators conceded it would probably fill up faster than Intro to Economics.

The defendants are now reportedly requesting psychiatric evaluations, maternity leave, and six weeks of paternity parking.

Meanwhile, this Canton alley cat has also been studying courtroom strategy.

Next time animal control catches me inside the seafood cooler at Giant, I’m not pleading guilty.

I’m claiming postpartum tuna psychosis.

The kittens?

None.

The tuna?

Gone.

SATIRE — none of these insanity pleas or quotes are real.