Terrorists chanting “Death to America” are reportedly confused about why Americans remain suspicious, forcing the Canton Cat to explain one of history’s more obvious public-relations failures. Continue reading Terrorists Chanting “Death to America” Reportedly Concerned Americans May Be Developing Negative Impression of Them
Remember the victims. Remember the heroes. But also remember who planned the attack, who carried it out, and the ideology that convinced nineteen terrorists that murdering civilians was holy. Continue reading Never Forget Who Did This
The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) recently celebrated its 25th anniversary, highlighting its stringent security measures, such as confiscating liquids and requiring passengers to remove shoes. Critics debate the effectiveness of these policies while officials assert they prevent potential threats. Despite advancements, the TSA cautions against complacency in the face of evolving terrorist tactics. Continue reading TSA Celebrates 25 Years of Making Grandma Remove Her Shoes While Terrorists Discover Cars Exist
Air Force One was reportedly forced to turn back to Andrews Air Force Base after aides realized President Trump’s McDonald’s order had been left behind. Officials cited “critical onboard morale assets” as the reason, proving once again that no global summit comes before fries. Continue reading Air Force One Forced to Turn Back After Aide Realizes President Trump’s McDonald’s Was Left on the Tarmac
Portland erupted in outrage after Border Patrol agents declined to be run over by suspected gang members outside a federal ICE facility, prompting activists and media alike to question whether self-defense is still acceptable when it interferes with the narrative. Continue reading Liberals Furious After Border Patrol Fails to Politely Be Run Over by Gang Members
Under new Pentagon rules, U.S. forces confronting drug boats must now politely ask the captain for permission before taking action—because nothing says national security like waiting for consent from a cocaine speedboat. Continue reading Pentagon Announces New “Ask Nicely First” Rules of Engagement for Drug Boats
Federal officials report a troubling rise in substance dependency behaviors among marine life in the Gulf of America, termed Collateral Aquatic Intoxication. This follows U.S. military efforts to intercept drug boats, inadvertently feeding narcotics to ocean animals. Dolphins, sea turtles, and whales exhibit concerning behaviors, prompting calls for rehabilitation and policymaking changes. Continue reading Gulf of America Faces Underwater Opioid Crisis After Military Anti-Drug Operations, Experts Say
