WASHINGTON — The Transportation Security Administration celebrated 25 glorious years this week of making Grandma take off her orthopedic shoes while terrorists continued exploiting a dangerous loophole known as the parking lot.

Officials marked the anniversary by confiscating a bottle of water from a 72-year-old woman headed to Tampa.

“Not on our watch,” said an agent, heroically placing the Dasani into a trash can.

Since its creation, TSA has built one of the most advanced security systems on Earth.

Shoes come off.

Belts come off.

Laptops come out.

Water goes in the garbage.

Grandpa gets frisked.

Meanwhile, some terrorist 200 yards away is reportedly looking at a Ford Expedition and whispering:

“Wait. These move?”

Homeland-security officials insisted the system is working exactly as designed.

“Every day, we stop potentially dangerous yogurt, toothpaste and mouthwash from reaching cruising altitude,” said one official.

“And statistically, none of those yogurts have hijacked a plane.”

TSA also reminded passengers that liquids over 3.4 ounces remain extremely dangerous unless purchased fifteen feet past security for $8.75.

Experts called the policy “science.”

Critics called it “airport economics.”

I, a stray cat who has eaten chicken bones behind a Royal Farms, call it one hell of a racket.

Officials say newer screening technology has made travel more convenient, allowing some passengers to keep their shoes on after paying the government extra money to determine their Skechers are not affiliated with al-Qaeda.

Still, TSA warned Americans not to become complacent.

“Terrorists are always adapting,” said an official.

“So are we.”

At press time, agents had successfully prevented another grandmother from boarding a flight with a suspicious full-size tube of Colgate, while the guy outside with a rental van encountered no resistance whatsoever.

America remains safe from toothpaste.