WASHINGTON — The Federal Aviation Administration reportedly entered emergency mode Tuesday after Sen. Tommy Tuberville alerted America to a threat nobody had on the national-security bingo card:

The cockpit may contain furries.

Within minutes, the FAA raised the nation’s aviation threat level from ORANGE to OWO.

Transportation officials immediately issued updated passenger guidance:

If your pilot says, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking,” remain calm.

If your pilot says, “UwU, this is Captain Thunderpaw,” locate the nearest exit.

Airlines insist operations remain normal.

“Your flight crew is fully trained, FAA-certified and capable of landing this aircraft safely,” one executive said.

He then paused.

“Although apparently Kevin in baggage claim is a wolf now.”

The crisis expanded when investigators learned furries may allegedly exist throughout aviation.

Pilots.

Flight attendants.

Air traffic controllers.

Possibly the guy charging $19 for a turkey sandwich at Gate C14.

The Department of Transportation immediately established the Office of Anthropomorphic Aviation Preparedness, staffed by 700 employees and one golden retriever who accidentally received a GS-14 clearance.

New TSA procedures are reportedly already being tested.

Shoes off.

Laptop out.

Liquids under 3.4 ounces.

Tail removed and placed in separate bin.

Travelers wearing animal ears will be diverted to additional screening where TSA officers will ask:

“Sir, are these recreational ears or operational ears?”

Meanwhile, airlines have begun updating safety demonstrations.

“In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop automatically.”

“Place yours over your nose and mouth before assisting your emotional-support foxsona.”

Passengers should also be advised that the nearest emergency exit may be behind your tail.

The FAA is reportedly most concerned about air traffic control.

Controllers have been ordered to stop using phrases such as:

“Delta 417, cleared for takeoff, rawr.”

“United 92, descend and maintain six thousand, nya.”

And the deeply troubling:

“Southwest 221, squawk 4721 and boop the transponder.”

Pilots have also been reminded that federal regulations prohibit chasing laser pointers while operating commercial aircraft.

Several airlines immediately announced diversity initiatives designed to reassure nervous travelers.

United unveiled Economy Plus Furroom.

Delta introduced SkyMiles Platinum Paw Status.

Frontier announced nothing because passengers already assumed something like this was happening.

Southwest simply painted a tennis ball on the runway and lost three copilots.

Congress has now scheduled hearings titled:

WHO LET THE DOGS FLY?

Lawmakers are expected to question the FAA administrator for six hours before discovering Congress has absolutely no idea what a furry is.

One senator reportedly asked whether “fursona” was a new pharmaceutical company.

Another demanded sanctions against Fursonia.

A third asked whether the foxes were entering through the southern border.

The Pentagon is nevertheless taking the matter seriously.

NORAD has reportedly modified its radar systems to distinguish enemy aircraft from extremely committed raccoons.

I reviewed the situation from my usual aviation command center behind a Canton seafood restaurant.

As an actual animal, I find this whole controversy insulting.

Cats have been trying to enter aviation for decades and suddenly some guy named Tyler buys a $4,000 wolf costume and gets cockpit access?

Absolutely not.

I have 11,000 hours staring at birds.

I understand turbulence.

I always land on my feet.

And unlike half the passengers at BWI—

I fit comfortably under the seat in front of you.