WASHINGTON — Sen. Chris Van Hollen announced that Democrats are the party of FDR and John Lewis and must carry their legacy forward, immediately triggering an emergency excavation beneath Democratic headquarters.

Within hours, interns reportedly discovered:

three dusty New Deal pamphlets,

a rotary phone,

six million unsold “Democracy” tote bags,

and one consultant who has been saying “the coalition” since 1998.

The Canton Cat examined Van Hollen’s message.

“Excellent. Nothing reassures voters worried about 2026 like being told the answer is 1933.”

Party strategists quickly unveiled the new slogan:

THE FUTURE IS YESTERDAY

The plan reportedly calls for rebuilding the Democratic brand around FDR-era economics, John Lewis-era moral language, and the assumption that nobody under 35 will notice the campaign headquarters now smells like mothballs and institutional panic.

One aide asked:

“Should we maybe talk about housing, groceries, jobs and why everyone is pissed off right now?”

He was immediately transferred to Guam.

Another consultant objected:

“Modern problems require modern solutions.”

The room went silent.

Security tackled him.

Van Hollen’s invocation of legacy soon expanded into a full resurrection program.

Democratic headquarters reportedly hired a medium, two historians, and a guy named Kevin who “did theater in college” to conduct a séance.

The lights dimmed.

Candles flickered.

A trembling staffer asked:

“President Roosevelt, what should Democrats do in 2026?”

The Ouija board moved slowly.

S T O P U S I N G M E

The consultants took notes.

“Powerful. Very powerful. Can we put that on merch?”

John Lewis was then invoked for guidance.

The response was apparently:

“Please stop turning dead people into campaign branding.”

That message was immediately focus-grouped and rejected for insufficient optimism.

The party’s new platform now includes:

Fireside Chats on Twitch

A New Deal 3: This Time It Has Pronouns

Social Security, but with a QR code

Civil-rights speeches interrupted by fundraising texts

and a federal grant to determine why young voters keep muting campaign emails

One strategist unveiled a giant poster reading:

PARTY OF FDR
PARTY OF JOHN LEWIS
PARTY OF TOMORROW
PLEASE IGNORE THAT TWO OF THESE MEN ARE DEAD

The Canton Cat stared at it for several minutes.

“You people are one election cycle away from campaigning with Woodrow Wilson’s ghost.”

At press time, Democrats were reportedly preparing their next visionary announcement:

“We are also the party of Harry Truman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and whoever else can no longer object to being used in a fundraising email.”

The Canton Cat knocked over the séance candles and walked toward the door.

“Maybe stop asking dead people what to do and start asking living voters why they’re mad.”