WASHINGTON — Rep. Lauren Boebert is facing a House ethics complaint alleging sexual relationships with three staffers she supervised, along with claims involving bonuses, campaign payments and an alleged six-figure payment to one former aide. Those are allegations, not findings, and at least one named former staffer has denied them as false and defamatory.

The Canton Cat read the complaint summary.

Then looked at the congressional staff directory.

Then reached for yarn.

“I’m going to need red string, three corkboards, and whatever HR uses when the org chart starts dating itself.”

According to the complaint, the alleged relationships involved senior staffers working under Boebert’s supervision.

Which means somebody in the House apparently had to look at a normal reporting structure—

MEMBER OF CONGRESS
↓
CHIEF OF STAFF
↓
DISTRICT DIRECTOR
↓
OTHER STAFF

—and ask:

“Okay, but where do we put the little heart emojis?”

The House employee handbook is reportedly being updated immediately:

SECTION 1: Payroll
SECTION 2: Ethics
SECTION 3: Travel
SECTION 4: PLEASE STOP TURNING THE STAFF DIRECTORY INTO TINDER

The Canton Cat supports workplace romance in principle.

He has fathered children in at least four ZIP codes.

But even he has standards.

“If the person approving your leave request also needs to approve your relationship status, maybe untangle the yarn.”

The complaint also alleges taxpayer-funded bonuses, a campaign payment labeled as consulting, and approximately $200,000 paid after a former aide allegedly threatened to file an ethics complaint. Again, those claims remain unproven.

That part caused the Canton Cat to spit out an entire sardine.

“Wait. Bonuses too?”

At that point, congressional HR allegedly stopped calling it employee retention and started calling it premium membership.

New benefits package:

Health insurance.
Dental.
401(k).
Paid leave.
Whatever the hell is happening in this complaint.

Congressional interns were immediately advised never to ask:

“Is there room for advancement?”

because nobody is apparently ready for the follow-up.

Boebert has long cultivated a loud, combative political brand.

The ethics complaint, meanwhile, has introduced the possibility that her office culture was less House of Representatives and more Housewives of Western Colorado.

The Canton Cat regrets that sentence.

But not enough to delete it.

At press time, the House Ethics Committee had reportedly ordered a new workplace poster:

DO NOT DATE YOUR DIRECT REPORTS.

Below it, in even larger letters:

YES, WE APPARENTLY HAD TO PRINT THIS.

And beneath that:

IF HR NEEDS A RELATIONSHIP MAP, YOU’VE ALREADY LOST THE MEETING.