LOS ANGELES — California officials reportedly admitted Friday that progressive streamer Hasan Piker was never supposed to become a political influencer at all.

He was supposed to remain securely contained inside the fictional California Institute for Unsupervised Podcasts and Advanced America-Hating, where researchers had been studying what happens when a man consumes 14 hours of Twitch, Marxist vocabulary and Wi-Fi without exposure to daylight.

Unfortunately, Sacramento cut the facility’s security budget after discovering guards produced carbon emissions.

Piker escaped immediately.

Within 48 hours, he had a microphone.

Within a week, he had a podcast.

Within several years, Democratic candidates were appearing with him.

“We really screwed the pooch here,” said one California official. “We thought he’d steal a Kia. We didn’t realize he’d discover streaming.”

Piker recently told Axios that the United States has caused more terrorism than al-Qaeda “pound for pound,” while separately defending his right to say he hates America. He has also argued the Middle East could be more stable if Iran possessed nuclear weapons, though he said he opposes nuclear weapons generally.

The Canton Cat examined the résumé.

Hates America.

Lives in America.

Makes enormous amounts of money talking about how awful America is.

Uses American free-speech protections to explain why America sucks.

The cat nodded.

“Capitalism has produced another miracle.”

The fictional facility reportedly had maintained Piker inside a padded podcast studio featuring three safeguards:

No microphones.

No Twitch account.

No congressional candidates within 500 yards.

Then California’s lightly-used Department of Fiscal Sustainability discovered the institution spent $11,000 annually on door locks.

Those locks were replaced with a laminated sign reading:

PLEASE DO NOT ESCAPE — HONOR SYSTEM

Piker was gone before lunch.

Authorities traced his path using discarded Monster cans, socialist reading lists and a trail of people being informed that America was somehow worse than organizations famous for deliberately murdering civilians.

Eventually investigators found him doing what authorities feared most:

campaign events.

Piker has appeared alongside Democratic candidates, including Michigan Senate nominee Abdul El-Sayed, while prominent Democrats and Democratic-aligned commentators have publicly argued candidates should distance themselves from him. Bernie Sanders, meanwhile, has defended engaging with figures who have large audiences while calling Piker’s old “America deserved 9/11” remark dumb.

One panicked Democratic consultant reportedly screamed:

“WHO LET THE TWITCH GUY NEAR THE VOTERS?”

A younger staffer replied:

“He has engagement.”

The consultant slowly removed his glasses.

“So does chlamydia.”

California officials subsequently activated the emergency Piker Recapture Protocol, which involves leaving a ring light, an expensive microphone and a copy of Das Kapital underneath a giant cardboard box propped up by a stick.

So far, he has approached it four times to explain why the box represents American imperialism.

He has not yet gone underneath.

At press time, researchers warned that Piker had evolved beyond containment and now survives entirely by converting online outrage into ad revenue.

The Canton Cat reluctantly respected the hustle.

“Only in America can you build a mansion by telling everyone how much you hate America.”

Then the cat stared toward California.

“For God’s sake, fix the fucking door.”