By Martin O’Meowey | The Canton Cat
ROCKVILLE, Md. — Montgomery County officials celebrated Economic Development Week by gathering in a government chamber, holding up proclamations, smiling for cameras, and briefly creating the county’s fastest-growing industry:
people holding proclamations.
Council President Natali Fani-González and the full council praised the “success and dedication” of people working toward the county’s economic vitality.
Beautiful.
Nothing screams economic vitality quite like 20 government officials standing beneath two completely blank television screens clutching certificates like everyone just graduated from a seminar called How to Say Momentum Without Producing Any.
The Canton Cat attended from outside, because my business license is apparently still being reviewed.
I asked whether the economy would also be receiving a proclamation.
County staff said it had not completed Form ED-47B.
Denied.
Officials reportedly considered releasing balloons to symbolize growth, but the balloons immediately floated to Northern Virginia after learning the tax structure.
One balloon made it to Loudoun County before anyone could stop it.
Another incorporated in Delaware.
The ceremony celebrated those working tirelessly to ensure Montgomery County’s future economic success, which is convenient because “future success” is significantly easier to celebrate than the annoying present-tense variety.
The county has, in fact, pursued initiatives aimed at speeding job creation and attracting private investment this year. Montgomery County MD
Naturally, Canton Cat obtained an advance copy of next year’s awards:
THE SCHRÖDINGER’S BUSINESS AWARD
Presented to every company simultaneously considering Montgomery County and somewhere else.
THE ECONOMIC VITALITY PARTICIPATION TROPHY
For bravely maintaining a LinkedIn page.
THE GOLDEN PERMIT
Awarded to any business owner who successfully completes a county permitting process while still biologically alive.
THE COMMERCIAL REAL ESTATE COURAGE MEDAL
For opening a restaurant despite receiving a lease quote capable of causing cardiac arrest in livestock.
THE NORTHERN VIRGINIA RELOCATION CUP
Already packed and ready to go.
The county also recently enacted an economic-development grant measure and has promoted job-growth initiatives, so there are actual policies behind some of the rhetoric. Montgomery County Apps
Unfortunately, nobody told the satire department, which had already ordered a 40-foot banner reading:
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED-ISH
County leaders then unveiled their new economic development strategy:
- Issue proclamation.
- Take photograph.
- Say “innovation.”
- Say “vibrant.”
- Say “public-private partnership.”
- Wait for business to materialize.
- Blame macroeconomic headwinds.
- Issue another proclamation.
When asked whether a proclamation technically counts as economic growth, officials reportedly replied:
“It created one PDF.”
GDP immediately rose 0.0000000003%.
Wall Street erupted.
The Federal Reserve called an emergency meeting.
Jerome Powell reportedly whispered, “My God. They’ve solved it.”
Meanwhile, several Montgomery County businesses were spotted outside the chamber begging officials to stop recognizing them and just answer their emails.
One owner reportedly shouted:
“KEEP THE CERTIFICATE. APPROVE MY SIGN.”
At press time, the Canton Cat had issued his own economic development proclamation from behind a dumpster:
WHEREAS, Montgomery County has once again demonstrated that no economic condition is too complicated to commemorate with cardstock;
WHEREAS, certificates remain dramatically cheaper than structural reform;
WHEREAS, an economy cannot actually eat a proclamation;
NOW THEREFORE, September shall officially be recognized as:
ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT AWARENESS AWARENESS WEEK
Celebrating the brave officials raising awareness that they are aware economic development exists.
Refreshments will be provided.
Businesses must bring their own economy.
