MARYLAND — A local Facebook political page reportedly entered DEFCON 1 this week after encountering jokes about Rep. Jamie Raskin online and responding with enough prose to qualify for three college credits.

The emergency began when somebody apparently posted something ridiculous on the internet.

Authorities say this has happened before.

Rather than employing the traditional internet response of scrolling past it, Barry O’Connell reportedly assembled what appeared to be a Supreme Court merits brief defending Jamie Raskin’s marriage, career, personal integrity, résumé, constitutional scholarship, congressional service, and possibly his preferred breakfast cereal.

The post begins by warning readers that satirical claims about Raskin are fictional.

Thank God.

Without this intervention, millions of Americans might have accidentally assumed The Onion was PACER.

The Canton Cat reviewed the statement from underneath a dumpster and immediately became concerned.

Not about Raskin.

About Barry.

“Buddy,” I said, knocking over a half-eaten Royal Farms chicken box. “It was a meme.”

The rebuttal meticulously explains that Raskin is a longtime constitutional-law professor and Maryland politician, facts that are indeed part of his documented public biography. Raskin has represented Maryland’s 8th District since 2017 and previously taught constitutional law at American University. Congressman Jamie Raskin

But apparently the internet required something stronger.

So the post deployed the phrase:

“A Decades-Long Marriage Built on Mutual Respect.”

Which is exactly the sort of heading normally found in either a wedding anniversary card or a hostage negotiator’s briefing packet.

Then came:

“Integrity in Public Service.”

Followed by:

“The Reality of the Allegations.”

By paragraph twelve, readers were expecting:

APPENDIX A: JAMIE RASKIN HAS NEVER STOLEN A YOGURT FROM THE CONGRESSIONAL REFRIGERATOR.

Sources inside Facebook headquarters confirmed the original joke had now achieved something no satire writer could have dreamed of:

Someone wrote a dissertation about it.

The defense also repeatedly described parody sites as “clickbait satirical channels,” apparently discovering the dark secret behind satire:

It is trying to make you click on something funny.

Investigators are now examining other suspicious publications.

Early findings include:

The Babylon Bee may exaggerate.

The Onion may occasionally report events that did not occur.

And the Canton Cat may not actually have a press credential despite wearing a tiny fedora marked PRESS.

That last allegation remains under investigation.

By sundown, the Facebook statement had reportedly grown powerful enough to defend Raskin against jokes nobody had even written yet.

One commenter typed “lol.”

Seven constitutional scholars were immediately dispatched.

Another posted a rat emoji.

National Guard units were placed on standby.

At press time, I attempted to publish a cartoon about Jamie Raskin’s hair.

Barry was last seen opening Microsoft Word.

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