OLNEY, Md. — Field of Screams Maryland will remain closed for the 2026 season after organizers reportedly encountered something far more terrifying than chainsaws, possessed clowns, and people crawling through cornfields:

Montgomery County permitting.

The attraction had planned to return after sitting out 2025, but ongoing permit problems and neighborhood concerns helped keep the gates shut. Organizers say the closure affects roughly 320 seasonal workers, while the event has raised more than $3.5 million for the Olney Boys and Girls Community Sports Association over its history. County inspection records have also documented unpermitted structures and code issues at the property.

As a Maryland stray cat who lives beneath structures constructed without permits, I immediately offered my expertise.

“Have you tried calling it affordable housing?”

Nobody laughed.

County officials reportedly determined the haunted attraction was unnecessary because residents can already experience comparable terror by submitting paperwork and waiting to see whether anyone stamps it.

The redesigned attraction was expected to feature terrifying new experiences including:

THE PERMITTING DEPARTMENT

Guests enter a dimly lit hallway carrying Form 17-B.

Every door leads to another form.

Nobody escapes.

THE NEIGHBOR

A terrifying silhouette appears behind a curtain and whispers:

“Have you considered the traffic?”

Six months of public hearings immediately begin.

THE ZONING MAZE

Visitors wander through 14 acres searching desperately for the correct land-use designation while county employees periodically jump from behind filing cabinets shouting:

“INCOMPLETE APPLICATION!”

Organizers reportedly considered replacing the chainsaw actors with county inspectors, but test audiences found them far too frightening.

One teenager fled screaming after an employee approached holding a clipboard.

“They asked whether the temporary structure complied with applicable fire code,” his mother said. “He hasn’t slept since.”

The attraction’s famous haunted trail has also been replaced by something called the Administrative Appeals Process, where customers walk in circles for three years before discovering they were supposed to file with a different office.

There are no refunds.

Nearby businesses, meanwhile, will miss the seasonal crowds that normally descend on Olney every fall.

But county bureaucracy never rests.

By Halloween, officials expect to unveil Montgomery County’s newest attraction:

FIELD OF FORMS.

Admission is free.

Parking requires a permit.

The permit requires a hearing.

The hearing has been postponed.

See you in 2027.

Maybe.

I’ll be under the dumpster.