UNITED STATES — Authorities have launched a nationwide manhunt for one of America’s rarest creatures:

Someone who has actually answered a political poll.

Despite endless headlines announcing that Candidate A leads Candidate B by 3.7 points among “likely voters,” investigators say nobody has ever personally met one of these people.

Not one.

Your neighbor?

Never polled.

Your parents?

Never polled.

Coworkers?

Nope.

The weird guy at the gas station who tells strangers about property taxes?

Shockingly, also no.

Yet somewhere, apparently, exists a highly organized underground society of Americans who answer unknown phone numbers, click suspicious survey links and spend 23 minutes explaining their views on congressional redistricting to a stranger named Trevor.

Pollsters insist these people are real.

“We spoke to 1,204 registered voters,” one analyst reportedly said.

“Names?”

“Can’t tell you.”

“Where do they live?”

“Confidential.”

“Can we meet one?”

“No.”

Very reassuring.

Researchers believe the mysterious respondents may inhabit a hidden compound somewhere between Washington, D.C., and the margin of error.

Government agencies have reportedly classified them as Poll People.

Their natural habitat includes landlines, hotel conference rooms and websites with 47 pop-ups asking whether you “strongly approve, somewhat approve, somewhat disapprove, strongly disapprove, or just want to read the damn article.”

One Maryland voter became suspicious after seeing his demographic represented in six consecutive surveys despite never answering one.

“Apparently 63% of people exactly like me believe something I have never heard anyone say.”

Statisticians explained that this is called weighting.

Regular people call it:

“Okay, but who did you actually ask?”

The situation worsened when researchers discovered the same 14 Americans may have been answering every political survey since 1987.

One Ohio retiree named Gary allegedly controls the entire Midwest.

“Gary says suburban voters are shifting.”

Markets immediately moved.

Campaigns changed strategy.

CNN ordered seventeen touchscreen panels.

Gary went back to eating soup.

Pollsters maintain their methods are scientifically sound and insist Americans should focus on methodology rather than wondering why every person they know responds to unknown numbers by screaming “SCAM CALL” and hanging up.

As for me, I finally received a polling call yesterday.

They asked whether I was a likely voter.

I said:

“I’m a cat living behind a Royal Farms.”

There was a pause.

Then:

“Undecided?”

Put me down for margin of error.