MONTGOMERY COUNTY — After years of delays, detours, cones, barriers, utility work, bridge work, track work, road work and whatever fresh hell appeared overnight, Purple Line crews have reportedly reached the logical final phase:

Just build the damn train through I-495.

The project is now about 90% complete, with passenger service still expected in winter 2027.

Which in Purple Line time means:

Basically tomorrow.

Or 14 governments from now.

Canton Cat drove past the latest construction and noticed crews paving, grinding, shifting lanes and generally treating Montgomery County like a giant SimCity map somebody forgot to save.

Then I saw the Beltway.

And thought:

“Oh no.”

Because once a Maryland infrastructure project runs out of roads to tear up, there is only one place left to go.

The Beltway median.

Sources say the new design will allow Purple Line trains to merge directly into rush-hour traffic at 7 mph, ensuring commuters experience the full regional transportation ecosystem in one convenient package.

Train delayed?

Traffic delayed?

Road closed?

Construction detour?

Now you can experience all four simultaneously.

The Maryland Department of Transportation is calling it:

MULTIMODAL SUFFERING

Engineers reportedly considered several options.

Option A:

Finish the existing alignment.

Rejected.

Too obvious.

Option B:

Reduce construction impacts.

Rejected.

Insufficiently Maryland.

Option C:

Lay tracks across the Beltway and see what happens.

UNANIMOUS APPROVAL.

The Purple Line already runs 16 miles between Bethesda and New Carrollton with 21 planned stations, and current work still includes testing, paving, utility relocation and station construction across the corridor.

But Canton Cat has obtained the secret expansion map.

Future stations reportedly include:

Beltway Inner Loop

Beltway Outer Loop

That One Exit You Missed

Orange Cone Junction

Temporary Traffic Pattern Station

and

You Should Have Taken 270

Fare payment will be simple.

Tap your SmarTrip card.

Then your brakes.

Then your horn.

Then call your family and tell them you may never see them again.

Maryland officials insist construction is moving forward.

Correct.

It is always moving forward.

Very slowly.

Sometimes sideways.

Occasionally directly into the lane you were using yesterday.

The Purple Line website says construction continues through 2027, which explains why every Montgomery County child born during groundbreaking is now old enough to ask:

“Dad, what was this road like before the cones?”

Nobody remembers.

Archaeologists are investigating.

Canton Cat personally uncovered a faded 2016 road marking beneath seven layers of temporary asphalt.

The Smithsonian has been notified.

The Beltway expansion is expected to include Maryland’s newest transportation innovation:

THE PURPLE LINE EXPRESS LANE

For an additional $14.73, passengers can move approximately six feet faster than everyone else.

Dynamic toll pricing applies.

Naturally.

At one point, transportation officials assured residents that the project was nearing completion.

A construction worker immediately placed another cone in front of them.

Nobody has seen the officials since.

Meanwhile, crews continue testing actual Purple Line trains on portions of the alignment, proving that somewhere beneath the scaffolding, fencing, and 4,700 detour signs, there may indeed be a railroad.

Encouraging.

Canton Cat remains skeptical.

I have lived long enough to understand Maryland infrastructure.

The Purple Line will eventually open.

Everyone will celebrate.

Politicians will cut ribbons.

Cameras will flash.

The first train will pull away from the station.

And immediately encounter:

ROAD WORK AHEAD.