NEW YORK — Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian assured Bret Baier that Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei is completely healthy after reportedly meeting with him for seven hours about a month ago, which is apparently all the proof anyone needs when the man hasn’t been seen publicly in months.

Totally normal.

Nothing suspicious.

The Supreme Leader is doing fantastic.

He just currently exists somewhere between witness protection, a bunker, and the Loch Ness Monster.

Baier asked why Khamenei hasn’t appeared publicly.

Iran’s answer was essentially:

“Security reasons.”

Of course.

Classic.

You know who else hasn’t appeared publicly lately?

Jimmy Hoffa.

Perhaps he’s also healthy and governing remotely.

Pezeshkian also insisted Iran does not want a nuclear bomb despite uranium enrichment reaching 60%, and said Iran would be willing to dilute enriched material.

That is some Olympic-level diplomatic gymnastics.

“We absolutely do not want a nuclear weapon.”

“Then why enrich uranium that far?”

“Great question. Anyway, we can un-enrich it.”

That’s like the Canton Cat being caught dragging 47 stolen tuna cans into an abandoned Buick and saying:

“Relax. I’m willing to put twelve back.”

Heroic.

Give me the Nobel Peace Prize.

Baier also pressed Pezeshkian about where Iran’s highly enriched uranium actually is.

Which is a fantastic sentence to hear from a country insisting everybody needs to calm down.

Apparently the world is now playing:

WHERE’S WALDO: NUCLEAR EDITION

Except Waldo is uranium, everyone is sweating, and the prize for finding him is an emergency U.N. meeting.

Iran’s current messaging strategy appears to be:

Supreme Leader: Healthy.

Proof: Trust us.

Uranium: Peaceful.

Location: Mind your business.

Nuclear bomb: Absolutely not.

60% enrichment: Weird coincidence.

Questions: Western aggression.

Pezeshkian also said Iran does not seek war with the United States and remains open to an agreement.

Excellent.

So Iran doesn’t want war, doesn’t want nuclear weapons, doesn’t know why everyone keeps asking about the enriched uranium, and has a Supreme Leader who apparently communicates exclusively through seven-hour bunker meetings.

Very reassuring.

At this point Iran could wheel out a refrigerator covered in magnets spelling:

KHAMENEI HEALTHY

and half the diplomatic corps would nod thoughtfully and say:

“Compelling evidence.”

The Canton Cat attempted to contact the Supreme Leader for comment.

No answer.

I checked Tehran.

No answer.

I checked the bunker.

No answer.

I shook a bag of treats.

Still nothing.

Iranian officials have now assured me he is simply too healthy to appear publicly.

At press time, Tehran was preparing additional proof by releasing a photograph of today’s newspaper sitting next to an empty chair.

— The Canton Cat 🐈