MEQUON, Wis. — Conservative commentator Scarlett Johnson announced at 1:09 a.m. Saturday that a “HUGE breaking story” would be posted “in the am tomorrow,” immediately plunging the internet into a chronological disaster normally reserved for daylight-saving time and airline itineraries.

Canton Cat read the post.

Then looked at the clock.

Then read it again.

Tomorrow morning?

Lady, it is already morning.

So do you mean:

Today tomorrow?

Tomorrow tomorrow?

Sunday morning?

Saturday morning after coffee?

Amazon Prime Tomorrow™?

Nobody knows.

Johnson’s post has now been referred to the newly created federal agency:

THE DEPARTMENT OF WHAT DAY IS IT

Officials confirmed that because she posted after midnight in Wisconsin, it was already Saturday there.

Which means “tomorrow morning” should logically mean Sunday morning.

But then she added:

“Stay tuned.”

That changes everything.

Because “stay tuned” indicates imminent media activity, while “tomorrow morning” indicates at least one additional sleep cycle.

Scientists are baffled.

Canton Cat attempted to establish a delivery estimate.

ORDER PLACED: Saturday, 1:09 a.m.
ITEM: HUGE BREAKING STORY
SHIPPING METHOD: Vague social-media teaser
ESTIMATED ARRIVAL: Somewhere between breakfast and the heat death of the universe.

Amazon would never tolerate this.

Amazon would say:

ARRIVING SUNDAY BY 10 P.M.

Scarlett gives us:

“The am tomorrow.”

Ma’am, I need tracking.

Is the story OUT FOR DELIVERY?

Has it reached the local facility?

Did somebody scan it in Kenosha?

Can I pay $2.99 for same-day scandal?

I refreshed her account.

Nothing.

Refreshed again.

Still nothing.

At this point, Canton Cat has begun circling the front porch waiting for a brown truck containing democracy.

Neighbors became concerned.

One asked:

“What are you waiting for?”

“A HUGE breaking story.”

“When does it arrive?”

“Tomorrow.”

“It’s Saturday.”

“Correct.”

“So Sunday?”

“Possibly.”

“What if she meant later today?”

I hissed.

Do not complicate this further.

The crisis became even worse for East Coast readers, who saw the post around 2 a.m., meaning America briefly had two separate versions of tomorrow operating simultaneously.

Washington immediately proposed a commission.

Its report is expected tomorrow morning.

Which tomorrow has not been specified.

Canton Cat recommends all future breaking-news teasers use standardized shipping terminology:

COMING TODAY

COMING SUNDAY

COMING AFTER I WAKE UP

COMING WHEN LEGAL APPROVES IT

or

I HAVE SOMETHING JUICY BUT I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU PEOPLE SUFFER FIRST

That last one is at least honest.

Until then, I remain beside the mailbox.

Waiting.

Watching.

Refreshing.

Because apparently journalism now has a tracking number.

And mine just says:

“STAY TUNED.”