ROCKVILLE, Md. — Maryland officials scrambled Tuesday to clarify the newly discovered category of “non-practicing white” after residents began asking the obvious question:

What the hell is practicing white?

Until now, most Marylanders believed being white required approximately zero paperwork.

They were wrong.

According to newly uncovered regulations, practicing white residents must renew their certification every two years through the Maryland Board of Caucasian Affairs, conveniently located between the MVA and whatever office approves decorative rain gardens.

Applicants must complete:

• 40 hours of continuing whiteness education
• one approved neighborhood cookout
• CPR certification for potato salad
• proof of ownership of at least one quarter-zip
• and a supervised practical examination at Costco

Failure to meet these requirements results in immediate classification as:

NON-PRACTICING WHITE

The designation apparently does not mean a person stops being white.

It simply means they are no longer keeping up with the profession.

“It’s like being an inactive attorney,” explained one state bureaucrat while stamping forms nobody asked for. “You’re still technically white. You just can’t perform whiteness commercially.”

The state has already established several levels of certification.

White Apprentice

May attend farmers markets but cannot discuss mortgage rates without supervision.

Journeyman White

Authorized to operate a leaf blower before 8 a.m.

Master White

May say “we should probably get going” and then remain at the front door talking for another 47 minutes.

Non-Practicing White

Certification expired after failing to attend enough homeowners association meetings.

Officials say reinstatement requires completing the state’s eight-hour Whiteness Refresher Course, covering essential skills including:

“How Cold Is Too Cold for Cargo Shorts?”

“Advanced Thermostat Conflict Resolution.”

“Introduction to Saying ‘Interesting’ When You Mean Absolutely Not.”

And the capstone seminar:

Mayonnaise: Food, Condiment, or Cultural Institution?

Confusion exploded after residents learned there are apparently no similar licensing requirements for practicing redheads, practicing tall people or practicing guys named Kevin.

“That’s discriminatory,” said Kevin.

Nobody listened.

Local colleges have responded immediately.

Montgomery College announced a new certificate program in Applied Caucasian Studies, while several universities are reportedly offering minors in Advanced Beige Management.

Meanwhile, private companies have begun exploiting the new industry.

One Rockville startup now offers an app called WhiteCheck, allowing users to scan a QR code and confirm whether someone remains in good standing.

Green checkmark:

PRACTICING

Yellow:

PROBATIONARY

Red:

HAS NOT BEEN TO PANERA IN 18 MONTHS

The Canton Cat attempted to investigate further but was informed cats are exempt because we do not participate in human racial paperwork.

Correct.

I barely participate in trash day.

Still, I have questions.

If a white person stops practicing for five years and then returns, do they have to start over as an apprentice?

Is there malpractice insurance?

Can someone lose their license for seasoning chicken correctly?

And most importantly:

Who is conducting the annual performance review?

Because if humanity has now turned skin color into something requiring continuing education credits, I’m staying behind the dumpster where civilization still occasionally makes sense.