CANTON, Md. — I would like to formally announce that the Canton Cat has retained counsel.

Not because I committed a crime.

Because apparently some naked lunatic spent months terrorizing the neighborhood and every headline now contains the words:

CANTON FLASHER.

Do you have any idea what this does to a brand?

I have spent years building Canton into a respectable institution of dumpsters, rats, Natty Boh cans and questionable seafood.

Now Google thinks we’re running a pants-optional outreach program.

The man at the center of the mess pleaded guilty to two counts of indecent exposure and was sentenced to three years in prison after prosecutors said he repeatedly exposed himself in Canton while already on probation for similar conduct.

Three years.

That is approximately 1,095 consecutive days of keeping your damn pants on.

A punishment perfectly calibrated to the offense.

Residents say the neighborhood can finally begin healing.

I say we begin with signage.

Effective immediately:

CANTON CAT — FULLY CLOTHED SINCE BIRTH

I am also demanding that local businesses display disclaimers:

THIS ESTABLISHMENT CONTAINS ZERO FLASHERS

PANTS REQUIRED BEYOND THIS POINT

IF YOUR ZIPPER IS DOWN, SO IS YOUR CREDIT SCORE

The branding crisis has become severe.

Tourists searching “Canton nightlife” are now reportedly adding:

“…but normal.”

Real estate agents have quietly updated listings:

“Walkable neighborhood, waterfront views, historic charm, statistically improved pants compliance.”

Meanwhile, Canton Community Association meetings have added an emergency agenda item:

1. Parking

2. Trash pickup

3. Everybody please wear trousers

Local breweries are reportedly developing commemorative beers including:

Full Coverage IPA

Public Decency Pilsner

and

Keep It In Your Pants Porter

I will not be trying any of them because I am a cat and alcohol is bad for cats.

Also somebody has to maintain standards around here.

The judge reportedly called the defendant’s conduct a “pattern of behavior.”

Correct.

A very specific pattern:

Pants.

Off.

Crime.

Court.

Repeat.

This is less a criminal strategy than a Windows error loop.

The Canton Cat’s official position is therefore simple.

Commit crimes somewhere else.

Preferably Towson.

They already have parking lots.