BALTIMORE — The Ravens have formally asked the NFL to abolish the fourth quarter after team officials concluded it serves no legitimate purpose other than turning comfortable afternoons into crime scenes.

Baltimore’s argument is simple:

Three quarters is enough football.

“Look at the evidence,” said one exhausted Ravens fan while staring into a Natty Boh. “For three quarters, we’re the Baltimore Ravens. Then somebody flips a switch and suddenly we’re eleven guys trying to assemble IKEA furniture during a tornado.”

The proposal comes after yet another late-game adventure, this time against New Orleans, where Baltimore’s defense once again transformed from a top-five unit into a neighborhood watch group that forgot what night it was.

Ravens officials reportedly presented the league with several alternatives:

• End games after 45 minutes.
• Replace the fourth quarter with a crab feast.
• Let Justin Tucker’s ghost kick field goals until somebody wins.
• Or simply place a giant tarp over the scoreboard once Baltimore takes a lead.

The team also requested that all fourth-quarter goal-line plays receive 17 automatic reviews, three congressional hearings and one Vatican investigation before points are awarded.

That demand followed outrage over a Saints touchdown that Ravens fans insist never crossed the goal line.

NFL officials reviewed the play using the league’s sophisticated replay system, consisting of six blurry camera angles, one referee squinting at an iPad, and a mysterious voice in New York saying:

“Eh, close enough.”

Baltimore fans immediately launched a forensic investigation.

Within minutes, social media contained frame-by-frame analysis, enhanced pixels, geometric diagrams, ball-placement simulations, and one man in Dundalk measuring his television with a carpenter’s level.

The Warren Commission had fewer exhibits.

Meanwhile, statistical analysis has revealed something Ravens fans already knew deep in their traumatized souls:

Baltimore’s defense apparently becomes allergic to oxygen whenever the score is close in the fourth quarter.

For most of the game:

Ray Lewis. Ed Reed. Purple terror.

Late in a one-score game:

“Does anybody know where the tight end went?”

The organization is now considering several defensive adjustments, including covering receivers.

Coaches described the concept as “intriguing.”

John Harbaugh reportedly rejected speculation that the recurring late collapses might have something to do with him, explaining that Baltimore’s fourth-quarter problems have survived multiple coordinators, personnel groups and defensive schemes.

Scientists are therefore investigating whether the issue is geological.

One theory suggests M&T Bank Stadium sits directly above an ancient burial ground where someone once whispered:

“Prevent defense.”

The Canton Cat has proposed the cheapest solution.

“At the end of the third quarter, unplug the stadium clock,” I said from underneath a tailgate table.

“Game over. Ravens win. Everybody goes home.”

NFL officials rejected the proposal.

Baltimore immediately blew a 10-point lead during the appeal hearing.