ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Maryland labor unions reportedly entered emergency negotiations after the state announced underwater grasses in the Chesapeake Bay expanded nearly 13% in 2025, adding more than 4,600 acres of submerged vegetation.

The obvious question:

Who is cutting all this crap?

Union leaders say nobody bothered to consult workers before allowing thousands of acres of grass to grow underwater, creating what they called “the largest hostile workplace expansion in Maryland history.”

“This is outrageous,” said one union representative while staring suspiciously at the Bay. “Half our guys can’t swim. The other half absolutely did not sign up to operate a Toro at the bottom of the Chesapeake.”

The Maryland Department of Natural Resources celebrated the grass as important habitat for blue crabs, fish and other wildlife while helping improve water quality and stabilize sediment.

Workers heard something else:

MORE LAWNS.

Under a leaked emergency staffing plan, landscapers would reportedly be issued scuba tanks, flippers, waterproof weed whackers and one laminated card explaining how not to get pinched in the crotch by a blue crab.

The union immediately demanded:

• underwater hazard pay
• shark differential
• crab-resistant work gloves
• two divers per lawnmower
• mandatory decompression lunch breaks
• and a strict prohibition against mowing below 30 feet unless somebody brings snacks

One local groundskeeper reportedly quit after being told his new service area included Tangier Sound.

“I do soccer fields,” he said. “I’m not Jacques Cousteau.”

Things became worse when officials revealed some underwater grass beds increased dramatically in specific areas, including more than 1,000% growth in the South River, albeit from a very small base.

Union leadership immediately accused the grass of unauthorized overtime.

“This vegetation expanded without a collective bargaining agreement, without permits, and apparently without paying dues,” said one official.

The state has now formed the Submerged Landscaping Workforce Equity Task Force, which will spend 18 months studying whether lawnmowers can breathe underwater.

Early prototypes have not gone well.

One riding mower sank immediately.

A second was eaten by oysters.

A third resurfaced near Annapolis carrying two crabs, a striped bass and what witnesses described as “a deeply confused county employee.”

Meanwhile, blue crabs have rejected accusations that they are crossing the picket line.

“We live here,” one crab said before stealing a wrench.

The Canton Cat supports the workers.

“Grass belongs on land, where normal animals can ignore it,” I said from a dock while refusing to enter water deeper than my ankles.

“If Maryland wants 41,000 acres of underwater lawn, give the crabs tiny mowers and let them earn their keep.”