WASHINGTON — The White House launched Trump TV Monday after America narrowly survived the unthinkable:

Donald Trump was briefly speaking somewhere and no cable network had a camera pointed at him.

The crisis began after major television networks suspended presidential pool coverage amid the White House’s fight with CNN, MS NOW and Politico. The networks normally rotate responsibility for providing video to the broader press corps.

Washington immediately entered DEFCON 2.

“Sir, the networks aren’t carrying you.”

Trump reportedly stared silently across the Oval Office.

Then whispered:

“Fine. I’ll become the network.”

And thus Trump TV was born.

Because when Donald Trump encounters a media blackout, his natural response is apparently to open another media company.

The programming schedule is already stacked:

6:00 — Morning Trump

Trump explains what Trump did while America was asleep.

7:00 — Trump & Friends

Just Trump.

The friends have been rescheduled pending loyalty reviews.

8:00 — The View

Trump looks out a window.

9:00 — Meet the Press

Press unavailable.

10:00 — The Price Is Wrong

Jerome Powell appears briefly before being chased off the set.

11:00 — Law & Order: Press Credentials Unit

Every episode ends with someone’s badge being thrown into the Potomac.

Noon — Trump News

Anchor: Trump.

Correspondent: Trump.

Guest analyst: Trump.

Anonymous senior administration official:

Also Trump wearing reading glasses.

CNN executives were reportedly devastated to learn Trump had discovered the one technology more powerful than banning CNN:

Not needing CNN.

MS NOW immediately scheduled an emergency panel titled:

“Trump Has A Livestream: Is Democracy Buffering?”

Twelve constitutional scholars appeared before the opening graphic finished.

Politico responded by publishing:

“37 Trump TV Insiders Explain Why This Changes Everything — Presented by Lockheed Martin.”

The current media dispute is real: Trump barred CNN, MS NOW and Politico from White House access, the outlets sued, and ABC, CBS, CNN, Fox and NBC subsequently suspended the rotating presidential television pool.

This produced an incredible modern political achievement:

Donald Trump and the national news media somehow managed to divorce while both demanding custody of the camera.

The first White House-produced coverage immediately demonstrated the value of innovation when Trump appeared at a helipad event and portions of his remarks were reportedly difficult or impossible to hear over the aircraft noise.

Apparently Trump TV’s revolutionary broadcast strategy is:

VIDEO: YES

AUDIO: WE’LL CIRCLE BACK

White House technicians are reportedly working on several upgrades, including microphones.

Trump TV Premium launches next month for $19.99.

Trump TV Patriot costs $47.99 and automatically changes every poll to “Trump 94%, Some Guy 3%, Margin of Error: FAKE.”

Trump TV Ultra includes commercial-free programming and a special button that allows subscribers to personally fire one cable-news contributor per year.

I attempted to apply for the overnight Canton Cat slot.

My audition consisted of sitting on the Resolute Desk, knocking a coffee mug onto the floor and staring directly into Camera Two.

The producer said:

“You understand television better than most of Washington.”

Correct.

I’m a stray cat.

I know garbage when I see it.