Wes Moore Launches “Moore TV,” Somehow Turns Maryland Budget Problems Into a 14-Part Documentary About Wes Moore
By Martin O’Meowey | The Canton Cat
ANNAPOLIS — Just hours after the White House unveiled Trump TV, Maryland Gov. Wes Moore reportedly decided there was only one responsible response:
More Moore.
Thus was born MOORE TV, Maryland’s first 24-hour streaming service dedicated entirely to answering the question:
“But enough about Maryland. How is Wes Moore doing?”
The opening broadcast began with Moore sitting cross-legged on a brightly colored rug surrounded by alphabet blocks.
“Can you say leadership?” Moore asked viewers.
A cartoon crab appeared.
“LEAD-ER-SHIP!”
The crab clapped.
Moore clapped.
Nobody watching from Maryland could afford the crab.
Then the program abruptly transitioned into The Wes Moore Situation Room, where Moore stared solemnly into Camera One while an animated graphic behind him read:
MARYLAND AFFORDABILITY CRISIS
He nodded gravely.
“This is an incredibly important issue,” Moore said.
Then the graphic disappeared and was replaced with:
WES MOORE: A LEADER FOR THESE TIMES
The segment lasted 47 minutes.
No further affordability was detected.
Next came Traveling With Wes, a Travel Channel-inspired program in which the governor tours increasingly distant locations while repeatedly assuring Marylanders that he remains intensely focused on Maryland.
Episode One:
“New Hampshire: Just Here for the Foliage.”
Episode Two:
“Iowa: Apparently They Grow Corn Here.”
Episode Three:
“South Carolina: Completely Normal Governor Activities.”
Producers insist the travel series has absolutely nothing to do with 2028.
Viewers are asked to ignore the enormous countdown clock in the corner reading:
728 DAYS UNTIL SOMETHING WES DEFINITELY ISN’T THINKING ABOUT.
At noon, Moore TV switches to The Moore View, where Wes Moore interviews Wes Moore about the accomplishments of Wes Moore.
“Governor,” Moore began, “critics say you talk about yourself too much.”
Moore leaned forward.
“That’s a fair question, Wes.”
“Thank you, Governor.”
“Please. Call me Wes.”
The interview was immediately nominated for three Emmys.
At 2 p.m. comes Hasan But With Better Lighting, where Moore sits in front of a gaming microphone explaining state policy while a live chat scrolls beside him:
MARYLANDFAMILY82: Why is everything so expensive?
MOORETV_MOD: Great question!
MARYLANDFAMILY82 has been timed out for 600 seconds.
At 4 p.m., Moore hosts Story Time With Governor Wes, reading from his newest children’s book:
“The Little Budget That Absolutely Did Not Raise Your Taxes This Year.”
“Once upon a time,” Moore reads, “there was a beautiful state with a balanced budget.”
A child raises her hand.
“What happened before this year?”
Moore quietly closes the book.
“Who wants juice?”
Moore TV then aired a mandatory fact-check informing viewers that Maryland is officially becoming more affordable because the words “affordable,” “opportunity,” and “brighter tomorrow” had now appeared in enough press releases to qualify as economic indicators.
Producers displayed a grocery receipt on screen.
It immediately caught fire.
“That’s not inflation,” Moore explained. “That’s transformational pricing.”
A family asked whether this transformation meant they could afford eggs, electricity and a house in the same calendar year.
Their microphone mysteriously stopped working.
Moore TV quickly cut to a special report:
WES MOORE IS DEFINITELY NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT: A 12-PART SERIES FILMED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
Episode One begins with Moore standing beside a diner in Manchester saying:
“I’m simply here because Marylanders care deeply about maple syrup.”
Episode Two takes place in Iowa.
Episode Three is titled:
“Why Does Everyone Keep Asking Me About 2028 While I’m Standing in South Carolina Wearing Presidential Lighting?”
Canton Cat requested the network return to Maryland’s cost of living.
Producers instead aired another slow-motion shot of Wes Moore walking toward a podium.
Apparently that was cheaper.
The network’s primetime schedule concludes with its flagship program:
Wes Moore Tonight With Wes Moore
Tonight’s guests:
Wes Moore.
A photograph of Wes Moore.
Someone who once met Wes Moore.
And a Maryland family attempting to explain their electric bill before being interrupted by a seven-minute montage of Wes Moore walking dramatically through Baltimore in slow motion.
The closing credits simply read:
Executive Producer: Wes Moore
Host: Wes Moore
Guest: Wes Moore
Future Plans: Please Stop Asking
Canton Cat attempted to subscribe.
The app asked for my ZIP code, income, voter registration, favorite governor and whether I would consider donating in 2028.
I clicked “Skip.”
The button redirected me to a Wes Moore biography.
The Canton Cat 