WASHINGTON — With major television networks suspending White House pool coverage amid a legal fight over press access, one highly qualified replacement has stepped forward:

Me.

Canton Cat.

Journalist.

Dumpster correspondent.

Occasional trespasser.

Strong swimmer.

“I understand the television pool is currently unavailable,” I told White House security. “I am prepared to serve my country.”

Security asked whether I understood what “pool reporter” meant.

“Obviously,” I said, arriving in inflatable arm floaties.

Apparently there is no actual pool.

This industry is built on lies.

I had already packed sunscreen, goggles, three tuna sandwiches and one waterproof notebook reading:

WHITE HOUSE AQUATICS DESK

CNN, MS NOW and Politico are currently challenging their exclusion from White House grounds in federal court, while major broadcasters temporarily suspended participation in the rotating TV pool arrangement.

This left Canton Cat prepared to fill the historic vacuum.

My proposed pool report:

9:03 a.m. — President enters room.

9:04 — No pool.

9:07 — Asked staff about hot tub. Hostile response.

9:12 — Located decorative fountain. Investigation ongoing.

9:17 — Secret Service confiscates inflatable flamingo.

9:21 — Democracy remains dry.

White House officials attempted to explain that the “pool” is actually a rotating group of journalists providing coverage for outlets that cannot all physically attend presidential events.

That seems needlessly complicated.

Just call it journalism carpool.

Nobody says, “I have pool duty,” unless somebody is getting wet.

I nevertheless agreed to continue serving, provided the administration meets several reasonable journalistic demands:

A towel.

A cabana.

Bottomless tuna daiquiris.

And clarification on whether the Situation Room jacuzzi requires reservations.

By noon, I had established the first Canton Cat White House Pool & Spa Bureau beside the briefing room.

My press badge now reads:

POOL REPORTER / CERTIFIED LIFEGUARD*

*Certification issued by me.

When reporters outside heard that Canton Cat had taken over pool responsibilities, several demanded equal access.

I offered them guest passes.

$14.99 weekdays.

$22.99 weekends.

Towels extra.

One reporter yelled, “This is about the First Amendment!”

I nodded solemnly.

“Sir, cannonballs are prohibited in the shallow end.”

The networks can keep fighting over press access.

Canton Cat has more urgent questions.

Where is the hot tub?

And why does nobody in Washington understand what the word pool means?