ANNAPOLIS — Maryland Democrats announced Wednesday that they will carefully fact-check the reading of every name at this year’s 9/11 memorial ceremonies to determine whether any portion of the tragedy can be retroactively blamed on Donald Trump.

“We owe it to history to ask the difficult questions,” said one party strategist, opening seventeen browser tabs before the first name was finished.

Officials reportedly assembled a rapid-response team equipped with laptops, opposition-research binders, MSNBC clips, and one intern whose sole job is typing “Trump + September 11 + somehow” into Google.

The process will be simple.

A victim’s name is read.

Democratic researchers immediately investigate whether that person ever lived in a Trump building, visited New York during the 1980s, shared a ZIP code with anyone who voted Republican, or once bought coffee within three blocks of Trump Tower.

If any connection is discovered, a press release will be issued before the next name.

“We’re not politicizing 9/11,” explained another staffer while drafting a fundraising email titled TRUMP’S TROUBLING CONNECTION TO LOWER MANHATTAN.

“We’re protecting democracy.”

Party officials admitted some cases may require more creativity.

For victims with absolutely no conceivable Trump connection, researchers have reportedly been authorized to move outward through family members, employers, airlines, financial institutions, weather patterns, and eventually the fact that Trump was technically alive in 2001.

“Boom,” said one researcher. “There’s your connection.”

Maryland leaders also cautioned Americans against remembering September 11 without appropriate modern political context.

“Grief is important,” one official said. “But have you considered polling?”

At press time, researchers had reached the letter B and already identified twelve victims who had once existed in the same country as Donald Trump.

I watched the whole operation from beneath a folding table and concluded that humans have finally invented something more shameless than stealing tuna from a stray cat.

And I steal tuna for a living.