BALTIMORE — Orioles owner David Rubenstein has reportedly purchased “Blue,” a massive sculpture recently removed from the Kennedy Center, finally answering the question every Baltimore fan has been asking:

“What if we spent money, but not on baseball?”

The sculpture resembles a gigantic blue fidget snake cube, which makes it the perfect symbol for the Orioles’ current roster strategy: twist it around long enough and eventually pretend it became something useful.

Fans had hoped Rubenstein’s deep pockets might go toward proven pitching, bullpen help, or literally anyone capable of getting three outs without causing half of Camden Yards to develop acid reflux.

Instead, Baltimore got Large Blue Thing.

Sources say the Orioles considered several alternatives before settling on the sculpture, including:

• A frontline starter.
• Two dependable relievers.
• A veteran bat.
• One functioning deadline plan.
• A 38-foot toy that looks like something a third-grader left under the couch.

Management reportedly chose the toy because it was the only option that couldn’t blow a three-run lead.

Rubenstein has not announced where “Blue” will ultimately be displayed, though fans have suggested placing it directly on the pitcher’s mound.

“It’s huge, immobile, and probably won’t throw strikes,” said one season-ticket holder. “So it should fit right in.”

The sculpture may also become the Orioles’ new emergency bullpen phone. Brandon Hyde’s successor can simply rotate one of its giant blocks every time another reliever gives up back-to-back doubles.

Team officials defended the purchase, saying championship organizations require culture, vision, and major works of art.

Fans countered that championship organizations also occasionally buy baseball players.

At press time, Rubenstein was reportedly admiring his new acquisition while an Orioles executive quietly searched Craigslist for “starting pitcher, gently used.”

Meanwhile, the Canton Cat approves of the sculpture.

At least when this expensive blue object does nothing for the Orioles’ playoff chances, nobody can say it needs Tommy John surgery.