WASHINGTON — Maria Bartiromo has reportedly found her next mission after leaving Fox News:

Locate Mitch McConnell.

Not interview him.

Not profile him.

Find him.

The former Senate Republican leader has become so difficult to locate that several younger congressional staffers reportedly assumed “Mitch McConnell” was just an old Washington expression meaning:

“A Republican who used to do things.”

Bartiromo, apparently unwilling to let the mystery die, has launched a full-scale investigative operation titled:

FINDING MITCH

The program begins with Bartiromo standing in a dark warehouse beside a corkboard covered in maps, red string, grainy Senate footage, and one blurry photograph of what may be McConnell entering a Cracker Barrel in 2024.

“Somewhere out there,” Bartiromo whispers dramatically, “is a man who once controlled the United States Senate.”

A pause.

“Probably.”

The search has already involved drones, bloodhounds, thermal imaging, congressional interns, and one guy from Kentucky who swears he saw Mitch standing motionless near a Bass Pro Shops aquarium.

That lead went nowhere.

It was a decorative turtle.

Still, investigators say it was their strongest tip all week.

Capitol Police reportedly searched McConnell’s old office and recovered several potentially important clues:

A pair of reading glasses.

A Senate calendar from 1997.

Three cough drops.

A handwritten note saying:

“Tell Rand I’m in a meeting.”

The meeting apparently never ended.

Bartiromo then interviewed Republican senators about McConnell’s whereabouts.

“Have you seen Senator McConnell?”

“No.”

“When did you last see him?”

Silence.

“Was he alive?”

Longer silence.

One senator reportedly leaned toward an aide and whispered:

“Is Mitch still here?”

The aide shrugged.

Investigators next reviewed hours of Senate security footage.

At 9:42 a.m., a suspicious figure appeared near an elevator.

Bartiromo enhanced the image.

“Zoom in.”

The technician zoomed.

“Enhance.”

They enhanced.

“Enhance again.”

It was Chuck Grassley.

Back to square one.

The search then expanded nationwide.

Posters began appearing at airports, diners, pharmacies, bingo halls, and anywhere else analysts believed a senior Republican might naturally wander.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

Name: Addison Mitchell McConnell III
Age: Classified by carbon dating
Last Known Habitat: Senate chamber
Approach Carefully: May attempt to negotiate a continuing resolution

The FBI declined to join the search after agents reportedly determined that McConnell technically was not missing.

“He’s a senator,” said one official.

“That’s pretty close.”

Bartiromo refused to quit.

She traveled deep into Kentucky, following reports of a mysterious elderly silhouette appearing near Louisville whenever someone mentioned judicial appointments.

Locals call the creature:

The Louisville Legislator.

Witnesses describe it as approximately five-foot-nine, wearing a suit, moving at three miles per fiscal quarter, and disappearing whenever anyone says “term limits.”

One farmer claimed he captured footage.

Experts analyzed the video for six hours.

It was a mailbox.

Again.

Not Mitch.

Back in Washington, conspiracy theories are multiplying.

Some believe McConnell has secretly retired.

Others think he was absorbed into the Senate furniture sometime during the Biden administration.

One theory suggests he simply stands perfectly still in the Capitol Rotunda and nobody notices because tourists assume he’s part of the architecture.

Bartiromo has not ruled it out.

She recently deployed motion-activated cameras throughout the Capitol loaded with Mitch’s preferred bait:

Judicial vacancies.

Omnibus spending packages.

And an unattended bowl of Werther’s Originals.

At 2:13 a.m., one camera finally triggered.

Bartiromo raced to the scene.

Nothing.

Just an empty Senate hallway, three judicial vacancies, and the faint smell of procedural cowardice.

Still no Mitch.

The search continued.

At press time, Bartiromo was preparing to descend into a previously undiscovered tunnel beneath the Senate chamber after researchers located an ancient inscription carved into the stone:

MITCH WAS HERE — 1985

She tightened her headlamp.

Checked her radio.

And disappeared into the darkness.

“If I’m not back by Sunday,” she told the crew, “tell Fox I found my calling.”

The Canton Cat wishes her luck.

Because America has tried elections, retirement rumors, television cameras, Senate roll calls, and basic human eyesight.

Nothing has worked.

If Maria Bartiromo actually finds Mitch McConnell, she doesn’t deserve another cable-news show.

She deserves a Nobel Prize in wildlife conservation.

SATIRE — The Canton Cat has no evidence Mitch McConnell is living beneath the Capitol, hiding in a Cracker Barrel, or classified as an endangered congressional species. Frankly, that only deepens the mystery.