BETHESDA, Md. — What began as a quiet Maryland wedding reportedly descended into constitutional chaos Saturday after Sen. Chris Van Hollen wandered into the reception, found an unattended microphone and began explaining why every problem in America could be solved if everyone simply voted exactly the way Chris Van Hollen preferred.

Witnesses said the senator appeared shortly after the father-daughter dance, carrying the unmistakable energy of a man who had been told there was an open bar and a captive audience.

The band had just started playing when Van Hollen allegedly climbed onto the stage and declared:

“Democrats must be clear about what we will do if the American people help us win majorities in Congress.”

The bride reportedly whispered, “Who invited him?”

Nobody knew.

Van Hollen then produced a folded sheet of paper containing his five-point program:

Lower costs. Expose Trump. Stand with workers. End the war. Stop ICE.

A sixth plank — “Please somebody refill this glass” — was added sometime after the champagne toast.

The speech continued through the cutting of the cake.

Then through the bouquet toss.

Then through three attempts by the DJ to play September.

By the time Van Hollen reached his 19th use of the phrase “lawless administration,” several guests had begun chanting:

“SIT DOWN, CHRIS.”

One elderly aunt reportedly threw a dinner roll.

A groomsman attempted diplomacy.

“Senator, with all due respect, Tyler and Madison are trying to have their first dance.”

Van Hollen allegedly responded by launching into a seven-minute explanation of congressional oversight.

The first dance was eventually rescheduled for Fiscal Year 2027.

Things deteriorated further when the senator commandeered the champagne fountain and began using cocktail napkins as policy white papers.

At one point he reportedly cornered the best man near the photo booth and demanded to know whether he would stand with workers.

“I’m an orthodontist,” the man replied.

Van Hollen nodded gravely.

“Exactly.”

Security finally intervened after the senator attempted to replace the wedding guestbook with voter-registration forms.

Witnesses say he was escorted toward the parking lot while continuing to shout about Trump, ICE, workers, Iran, and something involving congressional majorities.

The bride resumed dancing.

The groom ordered another round.

The DJ put on Don’t Stop Believin’.

And behind the catering dumpster, three stray Canton Cat reporters unanimously agreed that Maryland politics had once again managed to become weirder than eating shrimp tails out of a rain gutter.

Reporting From Behind the Dumpster.