WASHINGTON — The CDC announced that the Cyclospora outbreak linked to iceberg lettuce is officially over, finally clearing America’s salads to resume their traditional role of being ignored beside cheeseburgers.

Then federal agents in Texas reportedly found more than 2,000 pounds of methamphetamine hidden inside a commercial shipment of cabbage.

Oh.

Good.

Glad we solved produce.

For months, lettuce was treated like the Osama bin Laden of the salad bar.

Recalls. Investigations. Warnings. Government alerts.

Meanwhile cabbage was apparently driving through the Rio Grande Valley with enough meth to make Albuquerque ask everyone to calm the fuck down.

The Canton Cat immediately demanded the investigation be reopened.

“You spent months waterboarding iceberg lettuce while cabbage was running an international narcotics operation?”

Federal agents say packages of meth were wrapped in green material and hidden beneath actual cabbage leaves, proving once again that camouflage works best when nobody wants to touch what you’re hiding inside.

Officials described the concealment as sophisticated.

I describe it as:

“Put the drugs in coleslaw. Americans won’t go near it.”

The seizure reportedly involved DEA, FBI, CBP, Border Patrol and Texas DPS, meaning five law-enforcement agencies eventually gathered around a truck and collectively discovered that cabbage generally does not contain a street value.

No arrests had initially been announced.

Presumably investigators are still trying to identify the criminal mastermind known only as El Cole Slaw.

Now, to avoid getting sued by Big Lettuce: there is no evidence connecting this meth shipment to the Cyclospora outbreak.

None.

Zero.

They are separate events.

But satire has noticed the timing, and satire would like to speak to a manager.

The CDC:

“Good news. The lettuce outbreak is over.”

DEA:

“So, weird thing about the cabbage…”

CDC:

“…what about the cabbage?”

DEA:

“How much time do you have?”

The real victim here may be iceberg lettuce, which spent months being publicly humiliated while cabbage was allegedly moonlighting as Walter White with vitamin K.

Iceberg has now been released without apology.

No compensation.

No record expungement.

Not even a complimentary ranch packet.

Meanwhile, cabbage has gone from “vegetable your grandmother boils until the house smells like surrender” to federal evidence.

Investigators have not said whether other vegetables are involved, but the Canton Cat newsroom has placed several under surveillance.

Broccoli is sweating.

Cauliflower lawyered up.

Celery keeps insisting it was “just holding something for a friend.”

And cilantro fled the country after half the population claimed it already tasted suspicious.

At press time, federal officials assured Americans the produce aisle remains perfectly safe, before quietly asking everyone to step away from the zucchini until the K-9 unit arrives.