PHOENIX, Md. — A Baltimore County man is facing felony explosives charges after police say he celebrated his birthday by blowing up his own Cadillac limousine with roughly 80 pounds of explosives.

And frankly:

I’M SORRY, I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA. 🇺🇸

Apparently you can’t even purchase a Cadillac limo, fill it with enough explosives to briefly alter the local weather, and launch it into the stratosphere without some government bureaucrat showing up with a clipboard.

What happened to freedom?

What happened to birthdays?

What happened to looking at a perfectly good luxury vehicle and deciding:

“Today, you become confetti.”

Most Marylanders celebrate with cake.

Some go to Ocean City.

Hans Richard Wilhelmsen III allegedly chose domestic shock-and-awe.

Authorities say debris scattered across roughly 100 yards, which means this man did not throw a birthday party.

He declared a limited-duration air campaign against Cadillac.

The Canton Cat has reviewed the alleged charges:

Second-degree arson: because apparently setting your own ridiculous purchase on fire is now “a crime.”

Possession of explosives: Maryland hates hobbies.

Destructive device: technically accurate, but also unnecessarily judgmental.

Disorderly conduct: absolutely. No argument there.

Court records reportedly say Wilhelmsen bought the limo only weeks before the blast, along with the explosives.

That detail somehow makes the story better.

He did not destroy a beloved family heirloom.

He apparently bought a limousine with the emotional attachment of a man purchasing a disposable grill.

Then gave it a Viking funeral with substantially more paperwork.

The Canton Cat imagines the conversation at the dealership:

“Looking for something comfortable?”

“Not particularly.”

“Good fuel economy?”

“No.”

“Long-term reliability?”

“Actually, how does it handle detonation?”

Maryland officials now want everyone to focus on “laws,” “safety,” and “felony charges.”

Typical.

This is what happens when a state replaces rugged individualism with permitting departments.

Benjamin Franklin crossed an ocean for liberty.

Paul Revere rode through the night.

Hans allegedly vaporized a Cadillac on his birthday.

Different generations answer freedom’s call differently.

At press time, prosecutors were still treating the incident like a criminal matter instead of what the Canton Cat recognizes as:

the most aggressively American birthday party Baltimore County has seen in years.

Set Hans free.

And give the man a flag.