CALIFORNIA — An accused international drug kingpin known as “Spider,” who allegedly commanded a 1,000-person cocaine operation, has reportedly arrived in California to face justice.

Unfortunately, nobody told him what California means by “justice.”

Spider stepped off the federal transport expecting handcuffs, concrete walls and perhaps several decades contemplating his career choices.

Instead, a state employee allegedly handed him a clipboard.

“Welcome to California. Please select your benefits.”

Spider stared at the form.

Housing?

Check.

Food?

Check.

Healthcare?

Check.

Monthly spending money?

Check.

Then he reached the medical section.

“Wait,” Spider reportedly asked. “I can get boobs?”

The employee nodded.

Spider slowly removed his prison-issued reading glasses.

“My cartel never offered dental.”

Within 45 minutes, Spider had allegedly applied for an apartment, three meal programs, a transit pass, healthcare, a boob job and something called an Emotional Support Cocaine Recovery Peacock.

He reportedly became suspicious.

“So when does the punishment begin?”

A caseworker explained that his court appearance was scheduled for Tuesday and reminded him that California takes crime extremely seriously.

Spider nodded solemnly.

“What am I facing?”

“Probation.”

Spider laughed for eleven straight minutes.

Authorities eventually calmed him down by explaining that probation is very serious because sometimes you have to call somebody once a month.

The alleged kingpin immediately telephoned his remaining associates.

“Gentlemen, shut down the jungle operation. We have been doing this completely wrong.”

By lunchtime, Spider was reportedly comparing California rental listings while asking whether cocaine trafficking qualified him for a small-business development grant.

His attorney cautioned him not to get carried away.

After all, California still has rules.

Spider will reportedly be prohibited from operating an international narcotics empire within 500 feet of a plastic straw.

“This place is insane,” he whispered.

And for perhaps the first time in California history, a drug lord and a stray alley cat agreed on public policy.