WASHINGTON — Maryland lawmakers Jamie Raskin and Chris Van Hollen reportedly suffered immediate constitutional whiplash Friday after learning that the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool contractor admitted flaws in the renovation work.

Normal people read that and thought:

“Wow, somebody screwed up a pool.”

Raskin apparently read it and heard:

“THE REPUBLIC HAS FALLEN.”

Within minutes, staffers were reportedly rolling a corkboard into his office while Raskin connected POOL LINER → TRUMP → MAR-A-LAGO → KENNEDY CENTER → WHITE HOUSE → WATERGATE with enough red yarn to strangle a yak.

Van Hollen was only slightly calmer.

“Contractor error,” said America.

“Weaponized justice system,” said Van Hollen.

“Sir, it’s peeling polyurethane,” replied a maintenance worker.

By lunch, the reflecting pool had reportedly been upgraded from bad renovation to constitutional emergency involving an innocent Marylander, political persecution, institutional corruption, and possibly the collapse of Western civilization.

Somewhere in Washington, aides were reportedly instructed to BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF WATERGATE.

Raskin then issued a statement so dramatic, aides briefly checked whether the contractor had also invaded Poland.

Sources say his office has already assembled three investigative teams:

TEAM PRIMER

TEAM ADHESIVE

TEAM WHAT DID TRUMP KNOW AND WHEN DID HE KNOW THE LINER WAS BUBBLING

One intern was reportedly ordered to subpoena the caulk.

Another was sent to Home Depot to inspect the receipts and “follow the caulk.”

A third has not been seen since being assigned to investigate whether the blue pool coating had ties to Russia.

Meanwhile, Van Hollen solemnly declared that Americans deserve accountability, justice, and answers.

A contractor standing nearby raised his hand.

“We used the wrong materials.”

Nobody listened.

Raskin was already at the microphone.

“This goes much deeper.”

“How much deeper?”

“Approximately six mils of primer.”

Investigators later confirmed the scandal had reached its most dangerous phase after someone discovered an email.

The email reportedly said:

“We need to fix the liner.”

Raskin immediately requested 40,000 pages of documents.

By sunset, CNN had booked seven constitutional scholars, MSNBC had assembled a panel called DEMOCRACY UNDER WATER, and a guy with a pressure washer was wondering why everybody was screaming.

The Canton Cat supports clearing anyone wrongly charged.

I also support recognizing when a contractor botches a job without immediately summoning the ghost of Sam Ervin.

But this is Washington.

A pool liner peels and Maryland’s delegation starts measuring Nixon’s coffin for a sequel.

At press time, Raskin was reportedly standing beside the Reflecting Pool wearing latex gloves and whispering:

“Nobody touch the primer. It’s evidence.”