ROCKVILLE — Montgomery County officials are celebrating another major public-safety victory after a large “NO LOITERING, NO SMOKING” sign was installed near the Rockville MARC station, apparently defeating lawlessness through the overwhelming power of laminated instructions.

Witnesses say three people were standing directly in front of the sign, openly passing a marijuana joint while demonstrating the county’s exciting new enforcement model:

The sign asks nicely. Everybody else improvises.

Officials defended the strategy.

“The rules are clearly posted,” one bureaucrat said. “What more do you want us to do, enforce them?”

The county reportedly spent several meetings determining the ideal font size, sign placement, and exact wording necessary to make prohibited behavior feel properly discouraged.

Early results are promising.

Loiterers are now loitering with full awareness.

Smokers are smoking in a clearly designated area where smoking is prohibited.

And taxpayers can rest easy knowing the government has once again transformed a problem into signage.

Sources say officials are already expanding the program.

Car thefts will be addressed with PLEASE DO NOT STEAL CARS decals.

Shoplifting will be reduced through MERCHANDISE MUST BE PAID FOR posters.

And violent crime will be confronted by a bold new campaign reading:

HEY. KNOCK THAT OFF.

At press time, Rockville officials were reportedly considering adding another sign beneath the first:

“SERIOUSLY, GUYS.”

Canton Cat approves. Nothing terrifies bad behavior quite like 12-point Arial and zero consequences.