WASHINGTON — Federal prosecutors have asked a judge to gag D.C. Councilmember Trayon White before his bribery trial after accusing him of trying to influence potential jurors, because apparently the trial had not yet become enough of a circus.

White’s trial is scheduled for September 14.

The jury has not been selected.

Opening statements have not begun.

And prosecutors are already essentially screaming:

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP CAMPAIGNING TO THE PEOPLE WHO MAY DECIDE YOUR FATE.”

This is normally considered Week Three behavior.

White allegedly decided to skip the boring parts and go directly to the bonus level.

Federal prosecutors now want a gag order and the removal of a social-media video they say could influence prospective jurors.

At this rate, the judge may need to issue a full behavioral syllabus:

TRAYON WHITE’S PRETRIAL RULES

Do not contact jurors.

Do not wink at jurors.

Do not make inspirational TikToks for jurors.

Do not create a loyalty card where the tenth favorable verdict is free.

Do not ask prospective jurors whether they “support Black excellence.”

Do not offer anyone a city grant.

Do not stand outside the courthouse with a sign reading:

FREE YOUR MIND. ALSO ME.

White has pleaded not guilty to the bribery charges, which means prosecutors still have to prove their case.

But apparently they would also like to prove the revolutionary concept that defendants are generally discouraged from personally cultivating the jury pool beforehand.

Court officials are reportedly considering installing additional signage:

WELCOME TO FEDERAL COURT

NO WEAPONS
NO FOOD
NO RECORDING DEVICES
NO JURY INFLUENCING
YES, WE REALLY HAD TO ADD THAT LAST ONE

D.C. residents expressed mild surprise before remembering where they live.

“This is Washington,” said one imaginary resident. “Our politicians don’t wait for scandals to happen anymore. They preorder them.”

Another observer praised White’s efficiency.

“Why waste taxpayer time with a long trial when you can start the jury controversy before parking?”

Legal analysts stressed that White remains presumed innocent.

They also stressed that the phrase “Please stop talking to future jurors” is not generally something defense attorneys hope to hear before lunch.

The Canton Cat attempted to get closer to the courthouse but was removed by security after I tried to sit in the jury box.

Which seems unfair.

I am impartial.

I hate everyone equally.