MARYLAND — Patients seeking the latest advances in American healthcare were thrilled this week to learn their intravenous saline may now contain fiberglass, finally combining the soothing atmosphere of a hospital with the thrilling material science of an unfinished attic.

Baxter International recalled two lots of saline bags distributed to Maryland and 13 other states after fiberglass particles were discovered in the solution.

Because apparently “Do not inject building materials directly into humans” was buried somewhere on page 47 of the quality-control manual.

The affected product was supposed to contain:

Water.

Salt.

That’s it.

Two ingredients.

Somehow fiberglass entered the chat.

Hospital administrators immediately reassured patients that the bags were not intended to remodel their circulatory systems.

“We understand people may be concerned,” said one healthcare executive who wished to remain anonymous while slowly removing a roll of pink insulation from behind his desk. “But modern medicine is constantly innovating.”

FDA warnings say foreign particles entering the bloodstream can potentially cause blockages, blood clots, organ damage, inflammation, allergic reactions, and other extremely unpleasant things generally omitted from the phrase:

“You’ll just feel a little pinch.”

Fortunately, Baxter reported no related adverse events when the recall was announced.

Unfortunately, “contains no fiberglass” has now apparently become a premium feature we need to check before going to the hospital.

Maryland residents were advised to remain calm and follow the state’s traditional healthcare protocol:

1. Verify your insurance.
2. Verify your copay.
3. Verify the doctor is in-network.
4. Verify the IV bag does not contain construction debris.
5. Receive a $14,700 bill for saline.

Patients have also been asked not to panic if they see something floating in the bag.

It could just be an air bubble.

Or lint.

Or a tiny piece of Owens Corning.

Nobody knows anymore.

The Canton Cat attempted to contact several local hospitals for comment but immediately fled after seeing a nurse approach with an IV pole.

I live behind a seafood restaurant.

Even I have standards.