ROCKVILLE — Montgomery County officials reportedly unveiled a bold new way to celebrate the county’s 250th birthday this week: bringing back indentured servitude, but with better branding and an online payment portal.

County Executive Marc Elrich and the Montgomery County Council allegedly announced the groundbreaking “Historic Tax Repayment Workforce Initiative,” allowing residents who fell behind on property taxes, fees, permits, citations, surcharges, assessments, and the county’s mysterious annual charge for simply existing near Bethesda to “work off” their debt through government-assigned labor.

Officials stressed that this is not slavery.

It’s “equitable revenue participation.”

Big difference. Apparently.

Under the proposed servitude program, residents unable to keep up with Montgomery County’s cost of living could be assigned to historically appropriate duties such as:

• paving bike lanes by hand,
• sorting compost according to emotional identity,
• installing speed cameras,
• carrying councilmembers between committee meetings,
• and standing outside Whole Foods whispering, “Have you paid your local obligations, citizen?”

The county says participants will receive full credit toward their outstanding tax balance at the generous rate of approximately $4.17 per six-hour shift, adjusted annually for inflation, administrative overhead, climate resilience planning, and whatever consultant wrote the brochure.

“We’re reconnecting residents with Montgomery County’s revolutionary roots,” one fictional official explained. “Back then, people worked for years to settle debts. Today, we’ve modernized the experience with QR codes.”

Residents who owe more than $10,000 may qualify for the premium tier:

INDENTURED SERVANT PLUS™

Benefits reportedly include:

• one reusable water bottle,
• priority shovel access,
• a reflective vest,
• and permission to look directly at a county executive once per fiscal quarter.

The county’s 250th anniversary logo proudly declares Montgomery County “A Revolutionary Community from the Very Beginning.”

Officials were reportedly delighted to discover taxpayers had misunderstood that as historical commentary rather than a warning.

Elrich’s office also emphasized that residents may avoid enrollment entirely by simply paying their taxes on time.

Which should be easy, provided they’ve recently sold a kidney, inherited a Chevy Chase townhouse, or discovered oil beneath their Silver Spring parking space.

The County Council is expected to approve the fictional program unanimously after adding an amendment requiring all indentured workers to complete a four-hour seminar titled:

“Understanding the Privilege of Owing Montgomery County Money.”

As for this alley cat, I’m staying feral.

No property deed.

No taxable income.

No county registration.

Just me, a dumpster, and 250 glorious years of refusing to fill out paperwork. 🐾