GAITHERSBURG — Montgomery County is opening a new government liquor store in Flower Hill, because in this county you apparently can’t even destroy your liver without giving the bureaucracy a cut.

The new Alcohol Beverage Services location will hold a grand opening September 10 with elected officials, tastings, rare bourbon, and all the ceremonial pomp normally reserved for bridges, schools, or things government is theoretically supposed to be good at.

But forget fixing potholes.

THE BOURBON DEPARTMENT HAS ARRIVED.

The county says the store will offer an “elevated” shopping experience and a “carefully curated assortment.”

Naturally.

Montgomery County carefully curates everything except affordability.

Residents will be able to hunt for limited bottles of Weller and Michter’s, presumably after completing the county’s traditional initiation ritual:

Pay taxes. Sit in traffic. Read a 94-page strategic plan. Drink.

And the county’s involvement does not stop at retail.

Montgomery County wholesales alcohol, regulates alcohol, licenses alcohol businesses, enforces alcohol laws, educates people about alcohol, and then sells them the alcohol.

That is not a liquor system.

That is a snake eating its own cocktail garnish.

Imagine if the county ran bakeries this way.

Department of Bread Services:
“We sell the bread, distribute the bread, license sandwich shops, inspect your toast, and fine you if the bagel paperwork is wrong.”

But residents should celebrate.

At least one county service appears prepared for demand.

Schools may have aging HVAC.

Roads may be clogged.

Housing may cost roughly one kidney and a Metro card.

But somewhere in Gaithersburg, a bureaucrat has made absolutely damn sure you can obtain a government-approved bottle of bourbon in an elevated retail environment.

The grand-opening schedule reportedly includes:

9:45 a.m. — Ribbon cutting

10:00 a.m. — Store opens

10:02 a.m. — Resident checks property-tax bill

10:03 a.m. — Resident purchases bourbon

10:04 a.m. — County congratulates itself for economic development

The Canton Cat supports local business.

We just didn’t realize “local business” meant the government opening another liquor store and throwing itself a party.

Reporting from behind the dumpster, where the booze is private-sector, the rent is zero, and nobody has ever described our garbage as a “carefully curated assortment.”