PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL — The PGA Tour entered full crisis mode Wednesday after officials realized Tiger Woods’ reported five-year driving suspension may create the most complicated eligibility question in golf history:

Can a man banned from driving still use a driver?

“Frankly, nobody anticipated this,” said one PGA official while frantically searching the rulebook for the phrase motor vehicle, golf cart, Titleist, whatever.

The confusion began when attorneys informed tour officials that Woods could no longer legally drive a car.

Then somebody in the room slowly looked toward a bag of golf clubs.

“Oh, crap.”

Within minutes, PGA lawyers reportedly began debating whether Woods could legally possess a TaylorMade Qi35 driver, swing it, or even stand within 500 feet of the tee box while somebody yelled, “LET THE BIG DOG EAT.”

The Tour is now considering emergency regulations requiring another person to handle Woods’ driver during tournaments.

Under one proposed rule, Tiger’s caddie would remove the club from the bag, hold it during the backswing, and technically make contact with the ball while Tiger merely “provides emotional guidance.”

“Tiger would essentially become the first passenger golfer,” explained one rules official.

Transportation presents an even bigger problem.

Woods will reportedly need:

A driver to drive him to the golf course.

A golf-cart driver to drive him around the golf course.

And possibly:

A driver-driver to carry his driver so Tiger doesn’t accidentally drive while being driven.

Vanessa Trump has already been mentioned by absolutely nobody official as a possible designated driver, which naturally means the internet has appointed her to the job.

Tournament organizers are also preparing special signage:

TIGER WOODS PARKING

Passenger Only.

The USGA reportedly rejected one proposal allowing Woods to use a 3-wood instead, explaining that this would be “an obvious attempt to circumvent the spirit of the suspension.”

Meanwhile, Nike lawyers briefly awakened from hibernation after someone proposed a new slogan:

JUST DON’T DRIVE IT.

Tiger’s representatives insist he remains perfectly capable of competing.

And technically, they’re right.

He can still putt.

He can still chip.

He can still hit irons.

He just needs another adult to bring the driver.

As for this alley cat, I’m thrilled golf has finally become understandable:

Tiger hits the ball.

Someone else drives.

Someone else carries the driver.

And somehow a lawyer gets paid $900 an hour to explain which driver is which. 🐾