In a bold new phase of what the Kremlin still insists on calling a “special military operation,” Vladimir Putin has reportedly authorized the deployment of hologram soldiers to the front lines—after discovering that Russia has largely run out of able-bodied humans willing, eligible, or still alive enough to fight.

The announcement came during a carefully choreographed address in which Putin stood before a massive digital backdrop of perfectly square-jawed, six-foot-four infantrymen shimmering slightly due to what officials described as “atmospheric patriotism.” Observers noted the soldiers appeared immune to bullets, fatigue, and basic reality.

“Losses Are Merely Optical,” Kremlin Says

According to the Russian Ministry of Defense, the new HoloV Army™ is part of a “strategic modernization initiative” designed to address minor staffing shortages caused by checks notes… three years of catastrophic battlefield losses, mass emigration, collapsing demographics, and a nation-sized case of war fatigue.

“These are not fake soldiers,” said one anonymous Kremlin spokesperson. “They are digitally patriotic representations of soldiers who would have enlisted if circumstances—such as common sense—had not interfered.”

The holograms reportedly march in perfect formation, never question orders, and do not require food, training, or compensation—making them ideal replacements for real troops, who inconveniently keep dying.

Draft Pool Now Includes Pensioners, Prisoners, and the Recently Downloaded

With Russia’s human reserves dwindling, the Kremlin has already exhausted traditional sources of manpower, including:

• Young men
• Old men
• Prisoners
• Wagner mercenaries
• Wagner mercenaries’ cousins
• Men who were just trying to buy groceries

The hologram program neatly solves the remaining problem: there are simply not enough Russians left who can walk, breathe, and avoid asking, “Why am I here?”

“Soon,” one general reportedly said, “every battalion will be 70% hologram, 20% conscripts, and 10% confused logistics officers.”

Battlefield Performance: Flawless on Paper

Early reports from the front suggest the hologram units have been extraordinarily effective—at least in official press releases. Ukrainian forces allegedly “panicked” upon seeing thousands of glowing soldiers charge forward while chanting slogans last used in 1978.

However, independent sources claim the holograms were immediately discovered when Ukrainian drones flew directly through them and posted the footage online with the caption: ‘Nice graphics, bro.’

The Kremlin dismissed the footage as “Western CGI.”

Parade-Ready, Combat-Optional

Putin is said to be especially pleased with the hologram army’s performance during military parades, where they look identical to real troops but without the awkward side effects of exhaustion, missing limbs, or visible despair.

“They don’t blink, they don’t limp, and they don’t defect,” Putin reportedly told aides. “This is what discipline looks like.”

Plans are already underway to expand the program to include hologram tank crews, hologram pilots, and—sources confirm—a hologram economy that functions better than the real one.

Next Phase: Hologram Victory

Kremlin insiders say the ultimate goal is to declare victory using entirely virtual forces, at which point Putin can claim Russia defeated NATO, Ukraine, history, and basic arithmetic—all without anyone noticing there was no army left.

“This war was never about territory,” said state TV host Dmitry Smirnov while gesturing dramatically at a glowing battalion behind him. “It was about vibes.”

At press time, Russia’s Defense Ministry confirmed it is also testing a hologram Putin to give speeches simultaneously in Moscow, Vladivostok, and whatever year he thinks it is.