New York City rang in New Year’s Eve the way it always does: with confetti, countdown clocks, corporate sponsorships, and one extremely determined former governor dangling from One Times Square like a disgruntled gargoyle.

According to eyewitnesses, Andrew Cuomo began his ascent shortly after 11:43 p.m., insisting that if he could just reach the ball, he could stop time itself—and, more importantly, stop Zohran Mamdani from being sworn in as New York City’s next mayor the following morning.

“THIS IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL,” Cuomo reportedly shouted at gravity. “I HAVE EXECUTIVE EXPERIENCE.”

Tourists initially assumed it was a Times Square performance sponsored by a streaming service. One man from Ohio clapped and said, “Broadway’s getting weird.”

Cuomo, wearing what appeared to be a vintage windbreaker labeled Emergency Authority, paused halfway up the building to hold an impromptu press conference with a pigeon.

“Listen,” he said, gripping a maintenance ladder. “Time is just a guideline. I’ve issued emergency declarations before. If I declare it perpetually December 31st, legally speaking, the future can’t happen.”

Below him, the NYPD debated whether this qualified as a protest, a stunt, or “just New York.”

At 11:58 p.m., Cuomo reached the platform beneath the iconic crystal ball in Times Square. He wrapped his arms around the rigging like a man trying to hug destiny into submission.

“You can’t drop!” he yelled at the ball. “You didn’t earn this!”

The ball, sponsored by a multinational telecom company, remained unmoved by the argument.

As the countdown began—Ten! Nine!—Cuomo attempted to read from a stack of handwritten notes titled Alternate Reality Talking Points. At Seven!, he demanded an investigation into the concept of midnight. At Five!, he accused the Gregorian calendar of bias. At Three!, he announced he was launching an exploratory committee to explore stopping the countdown.

At One!, the ball dropped anyway.

Witnesses say Cuomo let out a long, disappointed sigh as confetti exploded below him and 2026 arrived without asking permission.

Fireworks lit up the sky. Couples kissed. The crowd cheered. Somewhere in the distance, a municipal clerk began preparing the paperwork for a mayoral swearing-in.

Cuomo was gently escorted down by emergency crews, still insisting this would all be sorted out in appeals court.

“I’ll be back,” he told reporters. “Time always comes around.”

City officials later confirmed that despite the incident, the New Year arrived on schedule, Mamdani was sworn in the next morning, and Time—once again—declined to negotiate.

New York, officials said, remained undefeated.