ICE Arrests Hundreds of Violent Five-Year-Olds Linked to Tren de Aragua, Grandmothers Busted as Getaway Drivers

ICE confirmed hundreds of “extremely dangerous” five-year-olds tied to Tren de Aragua were taken into custody this week, while their grandmothers were allegedly busted running the getaway cars—sending national media scrambling to determine whether juice boxes qualify as mitigating evidence. Continue reading ICE Arrests Hundreds of Violent Five-Year-Olds Linked to Tren de Aragua, Grandmothers Busted as Getaway Drivers

Local Man Loves ICE More Than Ever (Again), Announces New “More Than Ever” Record

A local man has humorously intensified his support for ICE, declaring he stands with the agency “more than ever than the last more than ever.” His enthusiasm, likened to compound interest, rises after various stimuli, including political statements or social media protests. Friends note this marks his ninth consecutive declaration since 2018. Continue reading Local Man Loves ICE More Than Ever (Again), Announces New “More Than Ever” Record

Shri Thanedar Announces Bold New Immigration Plan: “If ICE Simply Went Poof, We’d All Feel Better”

Shri Thanedar proposed an unconventional immigration reform at the U.S. Capitol, suggesting Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) should simply “go poof” without legislative action. His plan includes “Collective Manifestation,” “Moral Evaporation,” and “Emergency Crystals.” Critics dismissed it as unserious, while supporters believe it promotes innovative thinking in policy-making. Continue reading Shri Thanedar Announces Bold New Immigration Plan: “If ICE Simply Went Poof, We’d All Feel Better”

Simple Frey: The Tale of the Mayor Who Misremembered Everything

Meet Simple Frey — the mayor who can’t remember what happened five minutes ago but somehow always remembers who to blame. In a Minneapolis where reality is optional and press conferences are performance art, every riot is a misunderstanding, every mob is a mirage, and every federal agent is guilty by default. Continue reading Simple Frey: The Tale of the Mayor Who Misremembered Everything

Liberals Furious After Border Patrol Fails to Politely Be Run Over by Gang Members

Portland erupted in outrage after Border Patrol agents declined to be run over by suspected gang members outside a federal ICE facility, prompting activists and media alike to question whether self-defense is still acceptable when it interferes with the narrative. Continue reading Liberals Furious After Border Patrol Fails to Politely Be Run Over by Gang Members