BALTIMORE — Volunteers trapped 71 street cats in just 24 hours as part of an effort to control Baltimore’s growing feral cat colonies, prompting one immediate question:

How the hell did they catch 71 of us before lunch?

The Canton Cat has entered hiding.

Not because I’m scared.

Because I am strategically unavailable.

Baltimore’s outdoor cat population has been growing, and volunteers are using trap-neuter-return efforts to catch cats, get them fixed, vaccinated, and return them to their colonies.

The operation reportedly went so well that local cats have begun referring to it as:

THE PURRGE.

Witnesses say alleyways across the city emptied overnight as cats abandoned milk crates, porches, storm drains, abandoned rowhomes, and one suspiciously comfortable Nissan Altima.

At 3:12 a.m., Canton Cat issued the following statement from behind a Royal Farms:

“They’re coming for the balls.”

Panic spread immediately.

One orange tabby fled toward Dundalk.

A calico entered witness protection.

Three tuxedo cats formed a militia behind a Popeyes dumpster.

And a gray cat named Kevin reportedly tried explaining that trap-neuter-return is humane and beneficial.

Kevin has not been seen since.

Volunteers say the effort is necessary because one unspayed female cat and her descendants can produce a ridiculous number of kittens over time.

Baltimore cats responded by announcing a new reproductive policy:

Mind your business.

The city’s colonies reportedly operate under a sophisticated political structure consisting of:

• one dominant tomcat
• seventeen deputy tomcats
• six committees
• unlimited kittens
• zero zoning approval

Which, frankly, makes them more efficient than Baltimore City government.

Word of the trapping operation spread quickly through the feline underground.

By sunrise, cats were reportedly communicating through burner phones, sewer pipes, and encrypted scratching posts.

One message read:

“DO NOT ENTER THE TUNA BOX. IT’S A SETUP.”

Another warned:

“THE CAGE HAS SARDINES. STAY STRONG.”

That message received 84 replies saying:

“Worth it.”

City officials have not commented on rumors that the 71 captured cats are being interrogated about unpaid parking tickets, vacant-property violations, and the whereabouts of several missing rotisserie chickens.

Canton Cat denies all allegations.

Especially the chicken thing.

That bird was unattended.

By afternoon, a group of alley cats had organized a protest outside City Hall carrying signs reading:

MY BODY, MY CATNIP

NO NEUTERING WITHOUT REPRESENTATION

HANDS OFF OUR MEATBALLS

One cat simply held a cardboard sign saying:

I BIT THE VOLUNTEER

He was immediately elected union president.

At press time, trapping teams were preparing for another round.

Canton Cat had relocated to an undisclosed location somewhere beneath Baltimore.

I would tell you where.

But one of you people has tuna.