ANYTOWN, U.S.A. — PETA activists attempting to demonstrate the horrors of deep-frying chickens by deep-frying a fake dog were reportedly stunned when counterprotesters arrived with a second fryer labeled:

“FOR PETA ACTIVISTS — EXTRA CRISPY.”

At that point, the demonstration experienced what scientists call:

“A catastrophic loss of metaphor.”

PETA’s original message was simple:

“If you wouldn’t deep-fry a dog, why would you deep-fry a chicken?”

Fair question.

Then a guy across the sidewalk rolled up a propane fryer, unfolded a lawn chair and asked:

“If I wouldn’t deep-fry a chicken, why would I deep-fry a PETA activist?”

Nobody knew.

So they made signs.

One read:

PEOPLE ARE ANIMALS TOO.

Another:

FREE-RANGE ACTIVISTS TASTE BETTER.

A third simply said:

SEASON LIBERALLY.

I watched from behind a dumpster because, unlike these people, I understand the food chain.

PETA activists shouted:

“Animals are not food!”

Counterprotesters shouted:

“Neither are you!”

PETA shouted:

“THAT’S OUR POINT!”

Counterprotesters paused.

One guy slowly lowered his tongs.

“Damn.”

For approximately four seconds, America achieved philosophical unity.

Then someone started chanting again.

Things escalated when a counterprotester unveiled a mock menu:

TODAY’S SPECIALS

Original Recipe Activist

Spicy Activist

Activist Tenders

Plant-Based Activist

The plant-based activist was apparently just a cardboard cutout with kale taped to it.

PETA immediately accused the counterprotest of trivializing animal suffering.

Counterprotesters accused PETA of standing outside a chicken restaurant dressed like rejected community-theater extras from Silence of the Lambs.

Canton Cat’s position remained consistent:

I oppose deep-frying dogs.

I oppose deep-frying activists.

I support deep-frying chicken.

I also support dropping one tender behind the dumpster when nobody is looking.

The most confused person at the event was a Raising Cane’s employee who came outside holding a headset and said:

“Guys, I just work drive-thru.”

He was immediately surrounded by three megaphones and somebody dressed as a chicken.

Corporate later promoted him for surviving.

By sundown, the dueling demonstrations had completely collapsed into nonsense.

PETA held up a fake dog.

Counterprotesters held up a fake activist.

Someone produced a fake chicken.

A vegan influencer began crying.

A toddler asked for fries.

And one raccoon quietly stole an entire basket of tenders while every adult argued about ethics.

I followed the raccoon.

Because when civilization collapses, always follow the guy carrying dinner.